TW: SA, Abuse, Drugs. Please read at your own risk
Since I was 13 (I’m 24 now), I’ve been Bisexual, but since growing up and getting past the terrors of puberty, things have definitely been changing in my head, and I’m honestly not sure what to do about it, I think I may actually be a lesbian.
No, this isn’t some internal homophobia type deal here, it has to do with the fact of I’m just not sure how to come to terms with it and how I should be able to understand it.
I definitely pressed a lot of of my feelings how I felt about women, it always felt easier to be around men and to just date them, because by social norms that’s more acceptable, and because of the fact that I either had a crush on a straight girl or rejected by any girl who was my crush, I tend to lean towards men.
And of course, this definitely didn’t always end well, a lot of my relationships have been abusive, toxic, and a lot of being used in every way shape or form. For me to cope, I would do a lot of drinking and smoking weed, which also helped me feel a lot more looser around men and in bed (not proud of saying that), and now that I’m in Florida, exploring myself, my life, and staying sober (as I’m writing this I’m four months clean. I’m incredibly proud of myself), all these feelings that I’ve been neglecting and shoving to the side since I was 16 have been coming back and I’m honestly not sure what to do about it, it’s terrifying and I just wanna know who I am more than anything, obviously I can be unlabeled for the time being and just go with the flow, but it doesn’t feel like I’m able to right now since I’m kind of trapped in between all these men who wanna date me and have sex with me (I think I prayed to Aphrodite a little too hard) and I kinda like the attention but the same time I don’t, and the way I have previously felt about a man I feel whatever I’m around another woman. I can really use some advice from the lesbians and literally anyone else who can help me out.
#Questioning myself and having a hard time understanding/coming to terms
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viscid musk
First: Congrats to make this step of speaking, that was surely very hard to write this and publishing it online.
This is a loving story, and love need love to love. The facts needs to be know to go forward. But forward what ? Love, self define, define it to others ; forgeting the past or healing it, both to don't make the same errors as before. A good definition can be Omnisexuality, loving all/both genders, but prefering some/one. The unlabeled option is one of the best, because the flow is more accurate than a pre-made definition that's not fully defining you. You are right to stop drugs, that's part of the giant transition of a lifetime, u must take you're time to take care of yourself and your feelings. Dealing with those men is not necessary, they are what they are ; say no, explain, if they insist, report them ; if u can't, i'm sure you can resist, proving that you're existing, that body is 100% your's and 0% them.
I'm sure you are a strong women, u r not what you was, u r what you are, and the day you will find the person that you need, your story will be useful to have the best duo, with someone that's understanding you.
I think I tried my best, i hope i helped you.
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Thank you for your advice, it really does help. I just wish it was easier for me to come to terms with it all and finding a way to detach from my feelings for men, not to mention how I had daddy issues, grew up bullied in school and church, being told I was going to hell, the whole shebang basically.
Any advice?