i wanna thank y'all for being so tufffff >////<

[bitter wagon]

ever since i joined this server i've never been given so much love by anyone in my life 🥺
for so long i've dealt with hateful and insulting people who seem to hate me for no reason >~<
but seeing all of the unconditional love i've been given in this server already makes me want to cry 🥹
it feels like i don't deserve any of this whatsoever because i'm so used to getting absolutely stepped all over by people :(
i am very mentally fucked from years of that treatment, i will be straight up honest
and for other reasons i have been in the lowest point of my life for the past like 7 months :c
but y'know i still love to give unconditional love and kindness because it's rewarding :3
i've never gotten so much equal amounts of support and kindness by anyone in my life though 🥺
i js wanted to put into perspective how much this server has positively affected me >////<
y'all are tuff i love y'all so much :3

[main prairie]

kinda sad to hear that you are in a bad mental state, but you saying these things about the server warms my heart. as i too agree with what you are saying here

if theres anything you wanna talk about you can either sent it here or dm me it

[bitter wagon]

this server is very awawawawaaaaaaa :3

[bitter wagon]

i dropped out of school because of how bad my mental health has been >~<

my grades were so shit at the end of last semester >O<

advanced classes do not take kindly to shitty mental health :3

[main prairie]

oh damn

schoool is not helping my mental health one bit

[bitter wagon]

uhhh big trigger warning for this borderline trauma dump >~<

||i had a pretty bad problem with severely harming myself for a while :c||
||but it thankfully didn't involve cutting >~<||
when people found out it made them extremely worried about me for months :0
i've gotten to the point where i'm trusted alone again but i was essentially having to be babysit for a while 🥺

then there's things like the mind dweller shit that formed in january
an incident involving them happened that month where one took over and yelled things to my close friends
and when i tried to take control back ||he threatened to kill us with a pair of scissors >~<||
i was especially being babysit after this happened 🥺

and also i lost a friend group who i thought were actually the first group of genuine close friends i had in years because of my declining mental health so that's great 🥺

anyways i'm gonna stop unnecessarily yapping and go play blade & sorcery or smth
i don't care that it's 3:42 am i'm too anxious to go to sleep >~<

[main prairie]

that is insane that you dealt with that

[bitter wagon]

it is what it is :3

it could be worse :0

depression lwk a bitch cause why do i gotta be so emotionally numb so often :0

actually zoloft has kind of made me more emotionally numb but wellbutrin makes me a bit happier :3

[main prairie]

i just overthink and hate myself

but eh life goes on

[bitter wagon]

saaaaame :3

[main prairie]

twin :3

[bitter wagon]

awawawawawawwaawawawawwabrwbwababwa :3 >U<

[gleaming plover]

awe even tho i havent been here long myself your welcome and you deserve it! You're super sweet and confident for saying this publicly <33 I hope everything gets better for you externally!! :))

[gleaming plover]

i wish i was as lucky with you with these kinda situations hehe <33 happy ur still alive tho

[bitter wagon]

thank youuuu >U<
i'll probably be fine :0

[gleaming plover]

yippee <33 thas good

[bitter wagon]

sometimes it feels like i js have an aura around me that makes people want to hate me endlesslyyyy >~<

might be my anger issues :0

i have pretty bad anger issues :(

[gleaming plover]

awe :((

[gleaming plover]

i used to

[bitter wagon]

idk i have other mental disorders too that i don't know what they could be :0

i'm diagnosed audhd but like
i've been suspecting i might have like
ocd
did
bpd
probably don't have all of them at once but i'm going to a psychiatrist soon so i guess i should be able to figure it all out :0

ocd is lwk the only one that feels likely cause my mom and sister both have ocd and i have all the characteristic symptoms of ocd :0

[bitter wagon]

although when i think about it
i guess my unknown mental disorders can probably cause people to not like meeee >~<
i can be loving of people one minute but then suddenly feel like none of them cares the next minute >////<
and sometimes i get bitter and jealous of people who appear to have it better than me :(
and i cycle between thinking i'm AMAZING at something and thinking i'm HORRIBLE at the same thing >~<
people get annoyed at my tendency to be irrational and not listen to them when i'm spiraling and emotional >~<

[gleaming plover]

yeah i really

understand how you feel bc im so unstable

like especially within the past few hours

my emotions have gone.. idk crazy it switches like multiple times in.. even the span of 20 seconds i feel like 6 different emotions seperately

[gleaming plover]

but yeah i completely understand and relate to how you feel even about others opinions too

[bitter wagon]

Yeah I can get like that :0

[gleaming plover]

im drowning in like hungry-depression and idk what rn tbh

i dont wanna socialize in main chat but i just want my own vc space 😭

[bitter wagon]

Or sometimes I dissociate and I can't move or do anything for a minute

[gleaming plover]

yeah exactly i have that as well

[bitter wagon]

That happens when I feel intense sadness

[gleaming plover]

like i let my vision go blurry and zone out lol..

[bitter wagon]

Sometimes my mind dwellers take over in that time >~<

[gleaming plover]

my stability = gone rn lol

[bitter wagon]

Usually it's Alex that takes over but Blaze can sometimes take over :0
Yeah they have names and pronouns :0

[gleaming plover]

oh cool u have different ppl- thas cool

[bitter wagon]

I think I have DID

[gleaming plover]

i used to have smthing like that..

[bitter wagon]

Or smth similar :0

[gleaming plover]

when i was like 13..

im gonna fake cry in mental pain rn i swear-

[bitter wagon]

I'm gonna go fucking insane I need to get up and do something rn

[gleaming plover]

yes but sadly i dont have anything to do xddd

[bitter wagon]

I'm suddenly not tired anymoreeeee >~<

[gleaming plover]

yup yk the rollercoaster

[bitter wagon]

computer :3

[gleaming plover]

uh

uhhhh um banana idk- uhhhhhhhhh-

[bitter wagon]

should we maybe possibly continue this convo in dms maybe possibly :0

[bitter wagon]

for me it's not a choice it js happens and i can't control it ;-;

[gleaming plover]

same i dont like- have a choice either

i dont purposely.. do it i just notice it

[bitter wagon]

same :3

it feels like i'm slipping :0

[gleaming plover]

ok well im done have a good day

[bitter wagon]

like i'm on a tower that's collapsing from beneath me :0

oh ok byebyebyebyebeyeybeye :333

[gleaming plover]

dont stress over it either- i just died mentally

[bitter wagon]

lwk happens a lot to me

[bitter wagon]

yk my poor treatment on the internet started in early 2020 when i sent death threats to people over some trivial shit :3
my anger issues used to be so bad back then >~<
my anger issues are much MUCH better now but still... 2020-2022 me was kind of a lolcow 🥺 😖

i remember around the end of last year when my mental health downfall was happening
the gc full of people who i thought were true friends did NOT give me enough support
they js lwk made me feel like a burden for even being remotely negativeeee >~<
i know my behavior wasn't the best but i wish they didn't have to js dump me when i started getting bad mentallyyyy >~<

i'm quite emotionally unstable now :3

[bitter wagon]

I downplay myself so often because I feel like I'm less than everyone else >~<
Dare I say less than humannnn >~<

I see myself as this unstable creature who deserves nothing but pain

I lwk do a lot of things to punish myself for existing
Like downplaying myself even if I accomplished smth and felt good about it
Making myself intentionally not eat or sleep for long periods of time
||I honestly still self harm, but not as often or as bad as I used to >~<||

[main prairie]

i also downplay myself aton

its not helping my life one bit

its so fucking bad

i struggle with like self worth and comparison alot

like even if i accomplish something it feels like i dont deserve it

if you get what im saying

[bitter wagon]

i am tired both physically and mentally
i lwk want to sob my eyes out but i'm kind of numb and when i start to feel really sad i start to dissociate and i zone out and lose control of my body
sometimes my mind-dwellers like to take over at this time and do shit

[bitter wagon]

still feeling like this
but every time i try to sleep i get so anxious and i have to wait until i'm so tired i pass out js to even fall asleep
my chest burns and my heart is beating so fast >~<

i wish i didn't feel anxiety so much on a daily basis 😭

[main prairie]

i fell some anxiety but for me its omstly at night

[bitter wagon]

my anxiety is mostly at night too but i still get it during the day 🥲

[main prairie]

sometimes for me too

and like gender dysphoria sometimes

its hard to explain the feeling

but it sucks

[bitter wagon]

i experience gender dysphoria a lot cause i look so masculineeee >~<

[main prairie]

idk i want like to be both

its weird

looking masculine from the chest and up

below that more feminine

[bitter wagon]

i want to look quite feminine :3
even though i'm bigender male-female i don't feel connected to presenting masculine
i want some very pretty scene or even scenecore outfits >////<
i guess i'll be more like a femboygirl at that point :3

idk sometimes it makes me question whether or not i might actually be a trans girl :0
but then i realize i feel the most euphoria when people use both he/him and she/her on me
and i feel the most comfortable calling myself/being called a boygirl >U<

[main prairie]

the only time i like appreciate my body is after a pump at the gym

because i see myself as "big" for once

but i have to get back into training legs

[bitter wagon]

my chest pain and anxiety is causing my neck to jerk around a lot randomly and idk why

[nocturne gyro]

ohh

well thats good that you feel at home in this server :)

its just about how u cope with it i'm p sure

cuz like

so being treated like shit can trigger anger issues and its just about avoiding the people who make negative emotions resurface

its also a part of puberty

but its just about learning to cope with it

ohh

i hope u get better :((((

i mean

intense emotions usually don't go away they usually resurface from time to time but its important to have an outlet

whether thats angst art, angst music, or some sort of outlet

and learning to cope with it is a process

ohh

i usually listen to screaming music or rage music when i get angry

alright

its all about how you cope with it

and its about learning the triggers of it

goodnight!!

alright

sleep is very important

good eeping