i'm scared of going home (SA/abuse/substances)

[grave elk]

im a severe alcoholic and lost my appartment in november, so i ended up homeless because of it. my apprenticeship doesn't pay me enough (due to national laws, my bosses are in no way responsible) to get my own appartment. despite knowing the dangers of accepting to move in with a random man, i had been assured by multiple women that he had never done anything to them, same for his male friends, so i ignored my instincts and stayed. he started calling me son, listened when i told him to never use my deadname again (which he found out by accident), so i thought it'd be okay. it wasn't. he's been sexually abusing me since february 1st. he says i came onto him first, but i was blackout drunk and i don't know if it's true or not. he's 59, 13 years older than my mom, and definitely not my type, so i don't really believe him. he makes fun of me a lot, touches me when i ask him not to, wakes me up at 3am for sex, two weeks ago i ended up in the hospital because he shoved too many benzodiazepines down my throat while i was already extremely drunk. he doesn't hit me, he houses me, but he picks what i wear and knows all my passwords and doesn't let me get out of the house except to do groceries or go to work. i told my chef and some coworkers about this 10 days after the abuse began, and they're doing their best to help (one is looking for an appartment near our job anyway, so he offered to roomie up because he can't afford one by himself anyway), and my chef has been sending me fake texts calling me in on my days off just so i can relax a bit and stay away from him, because he rarely forces me into anything when i have work early in the morning. all my irl friends dropped me because, when i went to the police (despite being 100% acab, but a "friend" called the cops against my will so i was forced to go), i spent 2 hours being pressured into dropping charges, and now they think i'm just not trying hard enough to leave. i'm really tired, and lonely, and i hate going "home".

[grave elk]

more info: i spent more time at the hospital going through rpe kits and being retraumatized by giving my testimony over and over again, than he did in holding. the cops confirmed to me he wasn't lying when he said he was friends with the mayor, and he's the one who got him out. i had a seizure the very next day on my way to work (passed out and seized so close to my job that my coworkers saw the ambulance) from stress. he doesn't know i told, and i'm scared of what he'll do if he finds out. he has a g*n permit, so does the man he views as a brother, who's a hunter. he's done jail for mrder (and apparently SA, too, so it's not even just me). all i can do is wait until my coworker finds that apartment so i can just move in with him, but even then, at this point i think i'm scared of living with anyone ever again. i can't sleep, i can't eat, and i don't have any friends left because they think leaving is easy and that i'm staying on purpose, as if i'd ever want to be chained up and called a slxve on the few days i have off work where he forces me to stay home and refuse my fake extra shifts. the only support system i have is my TEAM! i'm just so lonely, and i'm tired of being blamed for all of this, when i already blame myself enough for trusting a stranger in the first place. i even thought of going back on the streets to avoid him, the only thing stopping me is how cold it gets at night. sorry for the rant, i just don't have anyone left to talk to, and i'm too ashamed to tell my coworkers the details.
the only cop (a woman) who tried to listen to me, he got fired. i don't know how long i can wait for my coworker to find that appartment, i'm so sxicidal these days.

[foggy raptor]

I hope your okay☹️

[spring shadow]

I can't think of anything to say

Apart from I really hope it gets better

[grave elk]

im okay whenever im at work, he cant get me there and my coworkers are the kindest people i know. they know he spends all my money and that i struggle to eat in general anyway so they gave me a bowl of rice and an "unsellable" slice of cheesecake because it was "too small" (it wasnt) for free. they're everything to me, i think they're the reason why i'm still alive. i'm always okay at work unless he calls me, when im reminded of the hell waiting for me