I vent all the damn time. Almost daily now. Across so many different servers. It feels like I’m begging for attention. I’ve been slipping back into old habits all the time and I just can’t stop, it feels too good to be bad for me. I know it’s unhealthy and I know that I’m fucked in the head but I don’t give a shit anymore. People to to police the way I talk and try to forbid me from saying stuff and it makes zero sense. I understand triggers and all but you have no right to not let me talk about holidays or swearing. I can swear all I want, fuck you. My hallucinations have been getting worse and I make no sense anymore, I have zero energy and keep seeing fucking mirror man standing in my goddamn mirror telling me to do stuff to kids or vulnerable people and I’m just fucking scared of what it could mean if I couldn’t take it anymore. I already snapped under the pressure and relapsed after he told me to. I keep seeing faces in walls and hear voices everywhere and have these fucking memory gaps. I fucking hate it. I hate it with all my might. I wanna know what’s happening to me. People tell me “oh, look into dissociative disorders, oh, look into psychosis” fuck no, I’m letting my therapist do that. But of course I fucking forget to mention it during our sessions. No fucking surprise for such a fucking fuck up like me. Maybe mirror man is right and I should just end it. Maybe he’s right and I’m a threat to everyone else. I wanna end it so bad sometimes but I can’t, not when my parents spent that much money on me. I fucking hate everything. I keep telling myself I have to wait until I’ve met the one but I don’t know if that will ever happen. I’m too broke for all of that. I don’t have the money to travel on my own and I don’t have a job. I’m lonely as fuck all the time and never have energy to do anything. I don’t even have the energy to argue with people who tell me what I have or could have.
#I’m pathetic TW: addiction, implication of suicidal thoughts
inner pagoda
I don’t have a dissociative disorder just because I dissociate sometimes, I don’t have a dissociative disorder just because I have amnesia, I don’t have a dissociative disorder just because I send texts that don’t fit me during my memory gaps, I don’t have psychosis because of fucking hallucinations. I’m just a pathetic fucked up piece of shit who can’t get anything right and who can’t resist a few urges for a while. I just can’t get anything right. That’s just who I am. A loser who acts all depressed and relapses all the time and who sees stuff because he’s going insane and is fucked in the head. A creep who acts weirdly around older men and is desperate for their attention and approval. A weirdo who just lies in bed and can’t get anything right. A fucking annoying bastard who corrects people’s grammar when they don’t want to and makes them uncomfortable by doing so. I’m beyond saving too. I’m fucking fucked for life.
inner pagoda
Every time I open my mouth I beg for attention. I never do anything else. I just beg and beg and beg and people are tired of listening by now, I can tell. I’m fucking pathetic
simple cradle
I will never be tired of you yapping my ears off
Btw if u dont want to talk to me about this tell to shut up now
Cuz we know each other irl and this can make it a lil more difficult
Ik i cant exactly help you much and just say that im there for you
But always keep this in mind youre an amazing person and nothing will ever change that youre incredibly strong for living with all this and even stronger for talking about it
And as i said if u dont want me having anything to do with this tell me i dont wanne make this harder than it already is
simple cradle
Oh and btw ik you dont really like physical contact and all but if u need a hug i like hugs :3 
Just go for it i dont need a warning /silly
inner pagoda
And as i said if u dont want me having anything to do with this tell me i dont w...
Lowkey
It’s a teeny bit embarrassing for me 😭🙏 I’m sorry girl