I hate my life.

[supple ferry]

TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDAL IDEATIONS, SELF HARM, ABUSE AND BODY DYSMORPHIA.

I’ve got a fucking lot of stuff. Let’s start from the beginning; bullying at school! It’s only been jokes about my body and whatnot and I’ve developed body dysmorphia due to that (alongside selfhate), they say it’s a joke, I know it isn’t, it hurts, I’ve reported his shenanigans yet he gets no problems and continues like normal. I can’t do shit about it.
Great! Let’s add that to the plate of depression.

If I so much as fucking do a single thing wrong right now I just immediately think “I’m a failure” or “I don’t deserve this opportunity”, which is true because atm I fuck up so much shit up its pushing me over the edge. I wanted to cut myself after I got a bad grade (D- or something) that’s how bad it’s become. I’ve even once had a dream where I cut myself. It was not good at all.

Rest of this in the next message due to character restriction.

My parents aren’t exactly the best either, my mom is crazy and likely has anger issues, seeing she broke my monitor in an argument and then tried guilt tripping me saying “ohh i have no money” even though she earns more than my father. In another argument, she threw me into the garden in the cold with only my boxers, I would’ve called the police or whatnot but she took my phone while throwing me out. My sisters helped HER in this shit. Same as to how when I tried slitting my throat and failed, my sister was just rubbing it in again and called me a loser, for trying to slit my throat. I was already pissed as fuck and her rubbing it in landed her a punch to the abdomen! Now ofcourse that made me feel like shit, even if it was a bit deserved. But then my mom was guilt tripping me about hitting her again even though she caused it herself. She is a guilt tripping lying bitch, but what can I do? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!

I’ve attempted 6 times because of all this shit I have to deal with, and somehow haven’t actually succeeded..

Now I would at least try to get antidepressants from a GP (where I live they can prescribe them) but when the day comes that my dad isn’t home I keep chickening out making myself think I’m “fine”, when really, I want to end it every second of the day. Even if I did get an appointment I’d assume it would be an awkward conversation due to my age.(yes, i’m 14)

This all is just a little part of everything, but my depressive episodes tend to happen when I’m not distracted, eg; doing nothing and just thinking.

Tips about the part above would be greatly appreciated, seriously.

[vestal light]

(Idk how ppl comfort so I’ll try my best) Please don’t do it, I may not know you, but I care about you. Please don’t take antidepressants, you could get addicted and it’s really hard to stop because of body withdrawals. Your parents are one example of the reason why some adults don’t deserve to have kids. But if you need anything, you can talk to me.

[supple ferry]

Antidepressants would atleast be a way to stabilize before i have another episode