#i'm a fuck-up

8 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

earnest sparrow
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i keep hallucinating, i have panic attacks, i have black outs of memory where i wake up in new places, i act differently around older men. i feel disgusting and crazy for it. the hallucinations are getting worse and worse, as i'm writing this this fucker whispers into my ear how i should do horrible stuff to vulnerable people or myself. he shows up everywhere, in walls, in the mirror, just right next to me. i skipped a whole school day again mentally and had no memory except of getting on the bus and laying down on my bed after school.i acted super weirdly around this one handsome guy who had to be in his fifties today and moved like a total fucking weirdo. i'm ashamed of myself and don't know how much longer i can do this. i keep having panic attacks in therapy when i wanna speak about one of these issues so that we have to scratch that and help me calm down. i sometimes don't even have memories of going to therapy or of whole days. i look at texts i just sent that make no sense and that i have no memory of, i look at texts that say my name is spencer and not ashton that were sent minutes ago that i have no memory of. and this mirror motherfucker tries to gaslight me into thinking that i've always been this much of a fuckup i am and that everybody is going to see me for who i really am.and i'm so pathetic for venting all the damn time, i keep annoying the mods over insignificant things like a fucking abbreviation or a spam text instead of important stuff and i overreact all the time. i started yelling back at my mom whenever she screams at me and i'm justso tired of all this. i don't wanna be a weirdo around old men, i don't wanna see all this everywhere and i'm sick and tired of never remembering anything. i never manage to pay attention in class or anywhere else and keep zoning out and dissociating. i just wanna stop being such a fucking weirdo and such a fucking crazy loser. i wanna be normal for once. i don't wanna hear a voice telling me to do vile stuff.

earnest sparrow
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I’m still seeing him. I fucking hate him and everything he says. I don’t wanna do anything if that

timid dust
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For the first time In my life, I have no idea how to help someone.

If you don't mind me asking, what type of things does this hallucination tell you to do? I just want to get a better understanding. I want to help you.

vapid flame
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Do you have a therapist that knows about your hallucinations?

earnest sparrow
earnest sparrow
earnest sparrow
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And now I can’t stop crying
Just great
I’m fucking pathetic

earnest sparrow