i fucking hate hallucinations and memory gaps and people who have no fucking clue of anything | Pridecord | Page 1

i hate hallucinating with a burning passion. i hate intrusive thoughts, i hate them. they tell me to do horrible things i would never do, stuff that i'm scared of and keep me awake at night. i almost relapsed a bunch of times because of that shit. i see faces in walls, bugs everywhere and whole people. i thought i was getting better after i hallucinated this whole fucking character in a tv show for no reason for over six seasons. i keep seeing this guy standing next to me in the mirror telling me horrible things. i keep having memory gaps that freak me out where i have huge chunks of memories missing and say stuff i don't remember saying where i complain about my username being ashton_loves_pasta and not spencer_loves_pasta and shit. i forgot my brother ever left for his class trip and have no memory of him coming back either. i close my eyes in school and ope them in front of a freshly baked batch of brownies i apparently just made. i'm genuinely terrified of them by now because what do you mean i have zero memory of my school day?? and then all these people who insist i have DID, there's absolutely no way i do, the trauma i had in my early childhood might not even be real and if it was it's probably not enough for DID anyway. and then my stupid daddy issues. i wanna act normally next to an older man for once in my life. why does my voice go up? why do i pout? why do i make my eyes bigger and stand like an anime girl? why do i blush at their compliments and giggle at their jokes? i'm just a fucking fuck-up. i hate all these hallucinations, i just want him to shut up for once and for me to stop forgetting everything. i want people to stop telling me to look into DID or OSDD when i have memory gaps again and say stuff like spencer being my real name instead of ashton. i hate when they self-diagnose with adhd or autism. or when they say something results in ptsd, no it doesn't, that just a fucking insult and not a traumatic experience. i wanna be normal around old men

#i fucking hate hallucinations and memory gaps and people who have no fucking clue of anything