reef wigeon
Yet another valentines day where im completely alone. Not even so much as someone to talk to.
It was going fine enough but then something happened at work and ive just been spiraling since. For context, one of my co workers is like my only friend, I had a huge crush on him (still kind of do) and he strongly implied he felt the same but didnt want a relationship because we are both leaving for college this fall and he would rather leave off on good terms when that happens. Which, fair enough.
But today at work I overheard him kind of flirting I think with someone else. I didnt exactly hear what was said, and I could be completely wrong about what I heard or be misinterpreting it, but it still hit me hard, like it made me immediately light headed and I still felt weak the rest of the shift.
Like, was it really just me whos the problem? Or also the other person in question was a girl, is it because im not a girl? It wouldnt be the first time, two (of three) of my past relationships ended because of that. And this isnt about him rejecting me and me being sad about that, that was a month ago now and its been fine and like I said above he is still a good friend and we hang out still a lot, ive moved on from him. I just cant help but question my own worth, I feel undesirable, like no matter what I do or say I just end up in this status quo of loneliness. Everyone around me has someone. It feels like every single person is doing something without me.
Then this is also on top of me working at starbucks, so of course today was mostly just couples coming in and getting something for each other. I sure love seeing that
I just want someone to think about me, to look forward to seeing me, and to genuinely want to talk to me. I hate being queer in a small borderline rural area, I hate having niche interests no one cares about or can relate to. I hate not having anyone I can dedicate any energy to.
whole osprey