Should I come out?

[tidal quest]

So im gay. Ive had 3 boyfriends before. My family doesn't know and its been hell trying to balance what feels like a double life. Ive had to come up with elaborate excuses for what im doing when I go on dates, when I go through a breakup or rejection I can't let myself even look sad because then they'll pressure me to say what's wrong, I've become extremely protective over my phone and stuff in fear of someone seeing a notification I don't want them to, and im just generally not really happy with how things are. I want to date someone and actually share it, I want to be able to tell the truth and not have the stress of an elaborate web of lies, I don't want the anxiety of being outted, etc.

The issue however is that my family is extremely right wing. Like, || Nick Fuentes kind of right wing. Goes on long rants about how Jewish people control the world kind of right wing. || Despite that, gay people have never been in their crosshair. Trans people? Sure. Certain queer events or things? Sure. But never gay people themselves. Sometimes some of them even outright says 'gay people are fine.' Also, I really do not get the impression they would do anything to harm me. Some people might berate me for it but not anyone I see frequently. But despite all that, they clearly do have a bias against gay people, gay is commonly used as an insult and my brothers favorite word to say is a queer slur.

With all this in mind im conflicted. I don't know if its a good idea to risk it. If I do and it goes well id be a lot happier, but if it goes bad the time between now and me leaving for school would be hellish. It could go either way and I don't know what to do

[digital glade]

So so so sorry for the long message I just started typing and it went in 7 different directions haha.

Hi 🙂 That is a tricky thing to decide what is the right thing to do or when the right time is to do it. This message is kinda going to seem like it's drifting away from your problem but stick with me and it'll make sense lol. With me my mom & stepdad were always accepting never had a problem kinda always knew. With my dad & stepmom they were slightly different. My stepmom accepted it and was happy I told her but with my dad it wasn't much of a reaction. Which isn't a bad thing for him, but when I told him all I got was "okay" and it has never been deeply talked about in the 7 years i've been out. I just then started bringing my boyfriend over at the time and he was ok with it. At first, he was kind of quiet but once he got to know them he liked them. Hell at this current time I think all my family likes my fiancé more than me lol. I work in the garage of a car dealership with a bunch of straight right wind guys doing a job by stereotype gay people don't really do or can't do. And when you first meet me I do not come off as gay in the slightest. I worked there for 4-5 years before any of them found out I was gay but nothing really changed about how they treated or interact with me because they have known me for so long thinking I was straight but then realized "wow I didn't know he was gay for these 4-5 years but in that time he's just a guy like the rest of us just likes different things".

.
The moral of that long story is that if people know you long enough and interact with you enough and care about you enough without knowing you're gay once they do know if they do care about you they will realize that you were gay this whole time but you are still you and will always be you. Coming out doesn't make you this new person they've never met. The you they have known for however long and liked when they thought you were straight is still there. If just a label you identify as changes how they see you after they were fine with you before then that's a mental issue that the world has yet to understand.

There are always going to be people that don't like you that just happens. But in my experience, I think the biggest thing parents have problems with today is kids coming out so young. I've seen 10-12 year olds coming out as whatever it may be for them and I think at that age the parents still see them as too young and underdeveloped to understand what it truly means. I'm not personally saying that's how I see it. But I have seen many cases where if the person is say 16-18 people seem to have a better understanding and acceptance because people see them as more mature.

.
So, to wrap up that way to long message but I’m feeling talkative lol. If you think it will make you happier to not hide who you really are I say do it. I always tell people to put their happiness over everything else. People will have different responses some good some bad but never take it to heart. Don't let other peoples opinion of you hold you down. I know that is a hard thing for some people to do but if it's something you work at I’m sure you can achieve it. In this world what other people think of you or say about you doesn't matter. As long as you are happy with yourself and happy with how you feel that is all that matters and is all that will ever matter.

If you ever want to talk about it more my DMs are always open. I hope this helped in some way and if not then I’m sorry you had to read all that haha.

[tidal quest]

Im not sure if it would make me happier

I would be happier not having to hide who I am or who I like, especially not having ti hide my partners

But if they react poorly it would be bad and at that point its all out of my control

At least now it may be stressful but I can control it, I can micromanage every detail of what people see and what they know

So even when its bad at least im in control

If I come out and it goes poorly I lose that

Its irreversible

But you're right I don't think this one detail would change who I am in their eyes

Some people might be more vocally against it but again no one I see often

I guess what im really afraid of is losing control