I can't go to sleep bc of all the thoughts running through my brain. I stay up thinking that the world is hopeless and there's no reason for me to be in it if I can't make a big difference anyway. I live for my sister, and that's it. My "friends" at gymnastics only infantilize me and make me feels stupid. they change the stories that we created together to have different people that replace me. I'm the backup friend. Meanwhile, i go to a catholic school, and recently my biology teacher said some pretty shitty things abt trans people that made me pissed. I'm not trans, nor do I know anyone, who is, but he was misgendering this person the whole time and it pissed me off. I really need someone to relate to bc I don't want to tell my parents i'm ||suicidal|| but I asked them for a therapist in early december and I still don't have one. I also have a rlly creepy coach that keeps staring at me and it's making me rlly uncomfortable. Also, I'm like, the worst gymnast in my group, not exaggerating. This is rlly tearing me down bc I feel like my coaches would be dissappointed if I left, and I would have spent virtually all of my parent's money and so much of their time, and I would be giving up my whole life. My parents are also rlly set on me becoming a lawyer bc I mentioned it in 6th grade, they said I could switch to something else, but it rlly doesn't feel like it. I also don't really like my name and I'm scared they're gonna be mad if I ask to change it or for them to call me a different name. They were fine with genderfluid and lesbian, but my dad doesn't like the name esra, confirmed and I'm a big ppl pleaser (if you couldn't notice). Any advice for/from ppl pleasers on how to not do that? (Also, my whole school schedule is set on me being a lawyer) Also, I feel rlly bad for spending their money, and I got 2 oral surgeries in the past 2 weeks and I feel bad for making them buy me smoothies and shit. Also, I would do dance, but I'm too old to start, help plzzzzzzz
#Overthinking things!!! (It's all over the place, sorry)
ember nexus
dapper tendon
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