#Things I wish I said to her. Lots of TW.

16 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

brisk knot
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My ex girlfriend broke up with me just a month or so ago. I miss her. My anxiety told me she didn’t love me just because she was shy, but I know she did. It was my fault she broke up with me. I scared her, fighting someone who told me to kill myself in front of her, when I had already attempted before.

I have a lot I wish I told her.

I wish I told her how much I liked her hair. It’s so pretty, and a cute shade of brown.

I wish I told her that she was beautiful, even once. I love how she looks and I wish she would’ve heard that from me, but I was too anxious and shy to say it to her.

I wish I told her that it was so sweet she wore the shirt I bought off clearance with the little money I had the next day. I halfway did, but I didn’t say it outright because of anxiety.

I wish I explained how I liked her smile in a less creepy way. I told her I thought her “mouth was one of the things I liked about her” along with her eyes, and that it was because when she smiled it looked so adorable, but she told me, “That’s sweet but the mouth part is a little weird.” I kept telling her to smile more often, and I realize now looking back, she only ever smiled so big around me.

I wish I told her that I loved the shape of her body. It isn’t skinny to the point of being unhealthy, and she isnt overweight to the point of the same. She looked so natural and genuine, not like she worked to keep an appearance she didn’t want. Either way, I’d have loved and accepted her, but the naturalness of her frame was so beautiful to me.

I have a vivid memory of me looking at her from across the bus where she liked to sit across the aisle from me, and taking in her appearance, thinking to myself, “If this were the last time I saw her, this is what I’d remember.”. It is indeed what I remember.

I wish I told her that I wanted hugs and cuddles from her. I craved affection from her and I always have and still do crave intimate, romantic physical intimacy (not necessarily sexual). I wish I at least asked for a hug, or to hold her hand. I never got to in the end.

I wish I told her that she meant the world to me. Sure, I told her I loved her, but the way she lit up my day with every text message and every time I’d see her at school couldn’t be matched. She made me feel loved, even through my anxiety telling me she didn’t.

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Continuation:

I wish I told her that the way she looked at me made me feel loved, noticed, and cherished. She’d look at me with a smile from across the room when we would be in the same room for class or something, or she’d look into my eyes with a little smirk or smile when we were close. It felt like we had a little thing, just us two, that when we looked at each other, everything else didn’t matter.

I wish I told her that I wanted her to tell me she loved me in person. She was too shy to say it in public or even alone, but she’d say it over text. It felt like it was forced, though. She would only do it in response to me telling her I loved her, but it still made me feel loved for once.

I wish I told her I loved spending time with her more often. I said it once or twice, but she’d invite me to her house, or we would go on a walk in historic downtown and I’d buy her candy from this fancy shop… we only did that once. I have pictures from it. I have it in a photo album on my phone titled, “Memories :)”

those memories hurt now. I was so proud and excited to be able to make that album. I was so incredibly overjoyed to be able to share experiences with someone who loved me.

brisk knot
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There’s one more, but it’s of me and her.

brisk knot
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I want her in my life again.I want to go to her house every Saturday and hang out and watch Wicked or talk about our week or meet her sister like the one time. I want to be able to feel cherished again.

I feel like an old heirloom that someone once loved dearly, but has since let collect dust in an attic. No longer loved, no longer thought of, no longer in daily use or part of daily life. Just alone, in a box, caked in dust and cobwebs.

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I wish I told her what I wanted to tell her. I wish I felt more fulfilled from our relationship, even if it’s overs

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I’m happy for her. So happy that she’s safe, happy that she was strong and made a difficult decision. Happy that she decided to leave when something like that happened.

I’m proud of her for recognizing that what I did wasn’t okay and
Isn’t a sign of a safe relationship.

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I want to tell her this. I want to message her iPad and tell her one last time these things I could never tell her. I want to tell her I’m proud and happy for her. I want to tell her that I hope she has an amazing, fulfilling life with someone.

Instead, I was petty, victimized myself, and then left.

brisk knot
# brisk knot There’s one more, but it’s of me and her.

I’ve been sitting here looking at that picture. I’ve been sitting here and just staring at the side of it with her.

I see random, funny little details. The little bit of chocolate that was at the corner of her mouth from the chocolate I bought her, some fancy candy shop chocolate that we both loved.

I remember how she looked when she smiled. She looked so… peaceful. Relaxed. Her smile is comforting.

I remember the rest of the details of her face. Her really pretty brown eyes, that remind me of walnuts, she has really big irises and pupils, so lots of eye to admire.
The color of her skin, ginger brown.
Her hair, also brown, a dark chocolate.

I miss it all. I haven’t seen her in weeks, my memory of faces is terrible. I was starting to forget small details…

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For fucks sake, man. I’m 17, and I’m talking about a girl I dated for a month exactly like she’s a goddess in a book. That should put into perspective my obsession with this.

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I knew her for a year.

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Met in October 2024,dated the next October in ‘25, broke up in November.

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Fuck.

random moat
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i’m sorry man, i know how you feel. i’m also the type to hesitate saying things like this, and have many things i wish i told my partner before things ended.
i’m not great with advice, but i hope things turn out well for you in the end. i’d say focus on yourself for now, do things you enjoy, and anything else to distract you if these feelings are bothering you. wishing you all the best 💜

brisk knot