still feel this

[lone arrow]

I don’t know why I’m sharing this. I’m not trying to sound poetic or logical. I’m just carrying too much. It feels heavy.
I’ve had two loves.
The first one… I truly loved her for years. Even now, I’m still trying to move on. She left because her priorities were different, because of fear, judgment, the life she had to choose. She told me she loved me, that she didn’t want to lose me, that I was safe, kind, special to her. I never really moved on from that love. The memories still come back. Some nights, I cry in silence.
The second love happened when I was already broken. I jumped into it hoping it would heal me. Instead, I felt used. Not valued for who I was, not cared for emotionally. I gave too much of myself when I didn’t even have myself together. When I needed understanding, I was ignored. That hurt more than I can explain.
Sometimes it feels like the more genuine you are, the easier it is for people to take advantage of you. I gave loyalty, trust, patience, love.I lost my self-respect trying to keep someone who didn’t protect me.
Even though I never fully came out to my mom, she understood my pain. Last week, when I was at my lowest, she told me:
‘Don’t lose yourself. Don’t cheat yourself. If someone leaves your life, that’s okay. Just sleep. Everything will be alright.’
I’m not sharing this for sympathy or validation. I don’t even know why I’m sharing it. Maybe someone will relate. Maybe I just needed to let it out. I’m tired of carrying this alone.

[teal timber]

You should never have to feel like you’re carrying something alone. I’m here, I get it.

My second love was pretty similar. I’m young, so it was kind of a puppy love. I thought that she would help me. I helped her, I stayed up every night helping her through her issues, her trauma, etc.

I thought I could at least be loved back. I’m not sure she did, I’m not sure she didn’t. Either way, it hurt the way she didn’t show it. I thought I could feel loved, I do desperately wanted to, I yearned and still yearn every night for genuine love, genuine caring, genuine affection.

I don’t tell you that for YOUR sympathy, it’s to show you aren’t alone, because I relate. My first wasn’t notable; it lasted like, a week.

I am here for you. Love fucking hurts when you yearn for it. I cry every night hugging a stupid big old teddy bear I close my eyes and imagine is someone I love with a face I can’t see or imagine because the human mind is pretty incapable of making up faces from scratch.

[lone arrow]

Thank you for this. I honestly didn’t think anyone noticed what I posted, so your reply really meant a lot. What I shared is only one part of what I’m carrying, but it’s heavy. Knowing I’m not alone helped. Thank you for sharing and being here.

[teal timber]

You aren’t alone and I’m here for you from now on should you ever need me, I will be here for u :)

[lone arrow]

Thank you 🤍 it meant a lot. It was nice connecting with you.