So idk what to do so im here! :D so anyways, for some reason i think my brain just HATES me. its Just so confusing and mean. lately ive just been feeling more and more tired, Bit by but lowly everyday. Sum else ive noticed is that ive been getting lightheaded alot more easily. Its weird. i drink water and i eat decently so im at a loss. Another thibg thats weird 2me ive been feeling empty & i just dont think, act withiut thinking anytime soneone seems a bit upset from somthibg i did i feep like they just hate me & we can nevwr be friends. And uhm so one time i was in a argyment with my mom and she was like "||Oh you think ur so depressed cvtting urself when ur the one making ppl wanna cvt themsefs!!!||" i forgot abt till now & know i cant stop thinking abt it. Ill prolly forget abt sooner or later but i SWEAR my mom isnt that mean. Its just mean things r said somtimes in argumwnts but i cant blame her im the sane way, shes traumatized af I feel bad for making this abt ne but just thinking abt what she went throgh, and my state right now i fwep like i have no excuse to be upset. Sum else that has been bothering me is idk i never am able to know what i truley am feeling, irs confusing, messy and weird and idk what to do. Iys like theres multiple people in my head who r deciding what i feeo and dont feel and its so conflicting & dosent line up itd like im slowlu going insane, like im terified of talkibg to people but im desprate for any sort of conection to any living being, i feep so distant to everyone but so engaged jn conversations & enjoy talking to remotely anyone, im confused i feep like somthings qrong but like im fine at the same time i feep like i wanna get better but dont wanma get better at the same time, i wanna ||die|| but im also twrofied of what happens when u die, i wanna live forever but dont wanna sit through such a long life and idk what ti do im si confused & genuinky cant take this anymore please someone tell me what to do
#Tw: sh mentions of death and long text
chilly frigate
opaque fractal
I don't know how to help you. But I'd hug you if I was near.
misty trout
Okay first of all, yeah ur mom saying that is messed up and might be a result of her own trauma, however that doesn't make it justified to hurt you with that. Your experiences, your mental and physical pain is valid and I know that sounds so generic, cause everyone is saying it nowadays (your valid and stuff) but recognizing that your currently not doing great and it is effecting other aspects of your health like the feeling of lightheadedness is great as a first step. What you might be experiencing (and i could be wrong here) is a downwards spiral, essentially your brain is keeping you in a pepetual state that is making everything worse for you, it is important to recognise such and try to fight ur way out of one, otherwise you might just keep falling further into it.
Also arguments can be a result of trauma, your mother might not know she is hurting you with them because she is hurting on her own and just somehow trying to (even if it sounds weird) make it better? or even rationalize it for herself. I sugest talking to her, finding a state for yourself were you are able to think clearly, maybe even write down your thoughts beforehand and than tell your mother, but of course talking to her might not fix the issue, personally it took years for me and my mom to get to a point were we are not avoiding each other completaly and arguing every single day. But telling her that it hurt, making her realize even without demanding an apolagy might help, It sounds like she isn't the type to hurt u a lot verbaly so she might not have notices how deeply it hurt you internally and wants to mend that as well
Okay, Ive read the rest of your message right now and I just wanna say I am sorry your goign through that, it sucks and I have personal experience with trying to km and that prolonged emptyness of neither having the energy to live nor activily die, its sucks so much to just lay and stare at the ceiling, and that fear is trapping.
If you want we could continue this in dm's and I can tell you more, however with what you described as "ppl in your head" you could look up similar things to disassociation, feeling disconnected from yourself and the world