TW | Everything idk anymore

[vestal rain]

Because so many people got involved and tried to help me when I made my post 2 weeks ago ( #1445005794671198218 message ) I thought an update is deserved... things have gone from bad to worse. My girlfriend is in a GSC 4 coma (basically almost completely non-responsive) and I am collapsing from severe exhaustion, I have had barely any food or sleep in the last week (not like it wasn't already fucked given I haven't had those properly in years but hey!). I think we'll both be dead soon, my body is giving up on me slowly but surely, I can't even walk from room to room without almost fainting

[harsh sparrow]

They say god gives his strongest warriors his hardest battles or something like that. Well I have something different to say: If there is a god he will have to beg for my fucking forgiveness

I am currently 18 and I feel like I have gone through several lives' worth of trauma and pain. From the moment I actually became aware of my existence at like 3-4 years old shit was bad. Abusive and absent and drunk parents. Moved countries when I was 10, had to start a whole new life. At 14 my parents after an especially bad night of drinking tried to kill me, I fought back, they never tried again since. Police did nothing except offer me counselling. I was kicked out of my house for a year and lived my first year of highschool couch surfing and on the streets; nobody knew. Now I'm in my final year and for the last 12 months I feel like hell itself has opened its fucking gates on me. Got diagnosed with Autism and Sociopathy. Made new friends, they left as soon as they found out about the sociopathy part. Transferred schools 3 times in the last 2 years. Got a girlfriend a year ago, the love of my life - but she has BPD and her health is in the gutter, she's in the hospital more than she's outside of it, as we speak she is currently being resuscitated for the 3rd time in 12 hours - "why don't you just leave and find someone else" BECAUSE when she isn't in the hospital she is an amazing and loving person who actually sees me not whatever broken up version these years have left me as. We were supposed to have an apartment together, so I could finally escape this hellhole called my parents' place except for the past 2 months I've literally seen her 3 times and all times have been in the hospital, so obviously unable to go through with that. Add on to all of this several suicide attempts from between 1-3 years ago, an alcohol addiction and SH as a coping mechanism and... yeah

I hope someone does a psychological case study on me

[vestal rain]

Thank you weird bot thing

[fading sky]

i don't have anything to say that will make what you went through okay. What you describe isn't a test or battle from God, its trauma, neglect and loss. As a Christian, I don't wanna explain God or argue with you or tell you why you are suffering this but I just want you to know that I and many others see how much you are carrying. God doesn't look at all these experiences and says it's fine, although it may feel that way. The truth is, we don't know and can't answer the problem of evil, but God does love you, no matter how hurt you feel. I'm truly sorry about what you went through and I do hope from the bottom of my heart that things get better.

i didn't mean that in a forcing my religion on you kinda way if that's what it came across as, sorry.