Friend said they’ve planned it for a year

[rain quail]

PART 1 | TW: Suicide mentions
PS. We use plural pronouns to refer to ourselves sometimes. We -> I; ourselves -> myself

My friend let me know earlier they’ve been planning to commit for a year on a particular date, in almost a year. We tried to tell them otherwise, to tell them it wasn’t going to fix anything, that it was in fact a big deal (because they’d said “It’s not that big of a deal, I don’t get why you’re reacting like this.”)

I told them they’d react the same if we suddenly told them, in a JOKING MANNER TOO, that we’ve been planning to kill ourselves (we aren’t but you get the point). I made us leave. I can’t handle seeing my friend kill themselves because of reasons they don’t even want to disclose. “You’d understand if you knew.” No. I would not. We fought through our own depression and suicidal thoughts. We fought through it all and I don’t think we’ll stop. I don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t want to hold on, who jokes around about their own death.

“I think it’s funny that I keep helping people with their vents while I have set a deadline for my own life lol”. That’s just about what they said, and our reaction was instant. “What???”

To think we wanted to date them when we both felt better. To think we were joking about a future and sharing plans we had for the future while they’d already planned to end their own life not even a year later. We cut them off. I don’t want us to witness this, to live through the pain, to get closer only to get hurt worse. Their death will still hurt us, but I’d prefer if we weren’t up close. They won’t listen to reason, they’ve made that decision a year ago. Nothing will help— they don’t want help.

So we left.

[flat ridge]

PART 2

They did tend to be a bit manipulative… not much, not nearly as much as people accused of, but when we’d set “DNI” in our profile and it didn’t include them because we forgot, they said “So I’m an afterthought?” It’s ironic… considering their own life seems to be an afterthought to them. Our feelings towards it. Their friends’ feelings. They knew we didn’t like such conversations and still dropped it on our lap like a fucking joke. It’s not a joke. It’s not funny. It’s heartbreaking.

I wish I’d cried when it happened but I had more important things to attend to (groceries). I might cry later because I haven’t when it happened. Don’t worry about that part— it’s like putting emotions aside for later when we feel safe again. We feel… remarkably fine about the situation. It’s wild and we’d have much preferred not having to do this but we do not want to be around someone who had planned suicide a year ago and jokes about it. It’s exhausting and we don’t want to be close to someone who sees their life as so meaningless and hurts many others in the process. It’s not okay. It’s horrible.

So yeah. We left a friend because they said they’d kill themselves. If that makes us selfish and a monster— fine. But we’re protecting ourselves, we can barely handle ourselves as it is, forget trying to hold onto someone who has already let go.

[shut yoke]

Dang, that sucks, sorry about that.