I want to end it all

[balmy rivet]

Trigger warning: suicide mention,self harm.
I'm sorry for venting here, but I'm on the verge of committing suicide. My relationship with my mom is getting worse. I almost relapsed yesterday,at kitchen, when I was washing dishes. I would like to be dead, but I need to live. I don't know how long I'll fight it. I'm so sorry. Crying right now. I'm so sorry again.

[waxen summit]

don’t apologise. i’d like to let you know that it’s not worth dying, because i know life will get better for you. please hold on, let time do it’s work, and eventually you’ll get out of this bad period of time. focus on something else instead: something you enjoy, your studies/work maybe, talk to people, anything that makes you happy or at least takes your mind off of this. stay strong, there’s a good side waiting for you 🫂❤️

[balmy rivet]

I'm unable to feel happiness, unfortunately.

[balmy rivet]

Also I don't have anyone to talk to. My only friend is living abroad. My family doesn't see my suicidal attempts.

[waxen summit]

that’s okay, do something to keep you busy and away from hurting yourself. it could be anything, just nothing harmful ^^

[balmy rivet]

Like, gaming?

[waxen summit]

i know how that feels. keep talking to that one friend you have, if you’re able to. and i suggest finding more people to talk to. online is a good place to find friends! there’s a lot of people that would love to be your friend. if you can make friends in person too, that’s great. otherwise, look online and you’ll find people to talk to! just be careful :)

and shame on your family for not noticing your suicidal attempts.

[waxen summit]

yeah! gaming is a great way to keep you busy, and it’s a fun way too :)

[balmy rivet]

My brother actually noticed it. He yelled at me. Which made me feel worse.

[waxen summit]

ah, that’s not good. what did he say? if you’re comfortable sharing.

[balmy rivet]

He said a lot of swearing.

[waxen summit]

he shouldn’t have yelled at you. he doesn’t understand the impact of this type of language on someone in this state. the best i can get out of this is it shows he cares (since he yelled at you cuz he noticed your attempts), so maybe the rest of your family cares too.
i’m not saying to go and reach out to them for help; only do that if you know for sure that they won’t react negatively. but it’s definitely a good idea to do so if you know that they’ll help you! no pressure.

[balmy rivet]

Also he's 12 years older than me. I'm 18.

[waxen summit]

okay. doesn’t change the fact that he shouldn’t have yelled at you 🫂

also, since you’re 18, are you able to get help yourself?

[balmy rivet]

I live in war zone, plus I'm mentally disabled. So I need to live with my mom,as she has my pills.

[waxen summit]

ah, i see. maybe it's worth having a look at getting help online. otherwise, just stay strong, keep yourself distracted and don't do anything that can harm you. things will get better, i'm sure 🫂❤️

[balmy rivet]

Everything is getting worse with each day.