Tw- suicidal thoughts, sh, lowk abusive family, overall shitty mental health

[soft tendon]

This seems like a good place to rant/vent so.. yeah

idk really how to say any of this..

i guess i'll start with - i'm transgender, ftm. I struggle with really bad dysphoria, like i honestly wish i'd get breast cancer just so i can get them cut off; which i know is REALLY bad but its true, it's how i feel.

My parents- i came out to them around july-august time and they didn't accept me at all, hour long arguments, screaming, they threatened to exclude me from their will and everything, cut me off when i turn 18 if i decide to go through with transitioning or shit

They are very verbally abusive and i feel so unsafe at home but i dont really have anywhere else to go, i feel trapped, in the wrong body, a fucked up mind and in my house. My mum is the biggest hypocrite i know and she's so rude. My dad genuinely scares me, he has serious anger issues, usually taken out on me. My brother is the clear favourite, he agrees, my friends agree.

I started sh like at the start of the year maybe? I wasn't keeping track back then so i'm not exactly sure. Since, it has just gotten worse and worse. I'm genuinely struggling so bad and i feel like i have nobody to turn to. I told the safeguarding team at school and they just called my parents. My parents haven't done shit- it's been three months since the school called them. Not. A. Single. Damn. Thing. No therapy, no kind words, no asking if i'm doing ok, no genuine love and care.

Sure. They think they give a fuck about me, but i dont think they really do. I'm adopted, and so i never felt that close to them anyways since they arent my bio parents. But it was ok ig as a child, they were fine, i didn't understand that i was being treated wrong. Pushed around, thrown dropped on my head onto my bed when they were angry at me. Shoved into cars many times, the door slammed on my leg, or being stabbed in the ribs with an umbrella.

My dad purposefully riles me up until i shout and snap and get angry, and then they tell me off and punish me. He enjoys it, i can tell. He jokes about it.
He thinks its funny. I don't. Living with them genuinely makes me want to die.
If i had access to the right pills, i doubt i'd still be here. Unfortunately, they care JUST enough to restrict my freedom and shit.
Its not real care. Its the bare minimum.
I struggle with my identity, they dont do shit, they let me struggle. I tell them i want to die. No therapy, no asking if i'm ok. They know i self harm. Do they check my arms? Did they ask id i could dive them what i use? No.

They just act as if everything is fine when it isn't.
They have a suicidal, severely depressed SON who would do anything to be taken away, but all they see is their 'grumpy, hormonal, selfish, rude, horrible daughter'.
No. I am fucking struggling to stay alive. I am NOT selfish, i dont give a fuck about myself, i HATE myself. I try to care for myself, keep to myself, stay out of their way, try and enjoy doing what little i enjoy anymore and i'm selfish? When they can't see past their stupid, old-fashioned christiaj views to make their child feel safe and loved?
School is another issue. I dont know how much longer i can do it. Get up, dread going to school, actually go to school, then dread coming back home.
Every day is miserable. I also get bullied, not badly but enough to make it even worse for me. I hate it there, i hate it here. I hate it everywhere..

i think i just want to fucking overdose, i'm stuck in this house until i'm 18- three more years. I dont think i can do that... luckily my aunt and uncle are very supportive, and im sure my OTHER aunt and uncle (defo my cousins) will be too, and my grandparents on one side. On my mums side, i'm less sure with my grandma. She judged my friend because he's trans saying 'oh they can't know at this age' and lots of worse stuff. Idk.. I just dont know how long i can bear living LOOKING LIKE THIS for..

im so tired ALL the time but i dont sleep because night time is the only time i feel safe, everyone is asleep, i can relax for once in my life. Either relax, or i overthink, get stressed, relapse, stuff like that

[scarlet pewter]

That's so obviously child abuse that it feels fake 🥀

Also of they abuse you because of Christians believes then it doesn't matter what they say they are NOT Christians

[soft tendon]

its not fake 😭 i fucking hate it here man

[subtle fractal]

Hey you can dm me if u need to man