I feel awful about myself. (TW: Suicide)

[cedar whale]

Every day I'm wondering if I should just end it. They should make me a routine for coming here atp.

I'm a trans boy, and often have problems with me being seen as one. I am 15. I feel like almost no one sees me as one. Im almost never called he. Its my stupid voice and my stupid face. Every time I look in the mirror I look away. I hate what I see. My stupid long hair. My stupid everything. I absolutely hate myself.

I'm scared to come home every day of my life. Im scared to go to school. And im wondering if I should just kill myself now because with the way the world is, as a trans guy its likely its not getting better. Unless convinced otherwise at the end of this week I'll be tying the rope around my neck.

[cedar whale]

Tried getting ahold of Trevor project and they didnt even answer soo

[late heron]

try cutting your hair shorter to start ig and correct those who dont call you a he
may i add, think of how your family and friends will react to your suicide, they will grieve because 1. they were close to you and 2. you have so much to live for
dont tie the rope around your neck, live long enough to have a drink, to laugh with your friends, to find someone to settle down with
i also recommend therapy, if its expensive for you while im not qualified to do it i can certainly try, i have nothing better to do lmao

[cedar whale]

Idk how to cut my own hair and for 1 my family is one of the reasons I would like to tie it. They hate me. I live in a household of neglect and abuse

Thats a problem

Im worried ill never make it out of here

[late heron]

try going to a barber for the hair problem and for the family thing is there anyone at all you can go to?

[cedar whale]

No

[late heron]

a grandparent or a friend or something?

[cedar whale]

Unfortunately im broke too so idk how I could afford getting a haircut

I have like $1.95 under my name

[late heron]

damn

i mean maybe you could ask a friend if you can live with them and tell them your situation?

and when you can get a job to make some money and get that haircut?

[cedar whale]

Idk when

My parents like to restrict me getting one bc they hate me

[cedar whale]

I already tried that. They said they cant keep me over there bc if my parents dont know im there they could be charged with kidnapping

I wouldn't want my friends parents to be charged with kidnapping bc of me

[late heron]

hmm

im trying to think up ideas so sorry if i take a while to respond lmao

[cedar whale]

Nah its okay

I got nothing either thats why im here

[late heron]

i havent really came up with ideas so im js gonna say this
you only have to put up with it for so long before you can leave
youve gotten this far now, dont give up, finish your education and pursue your dreams
idk if you want to cut ties with your family but i suggest to when you can leave, they all seem, in the nicest way i can say this, absolute assholes
ik im not all too convincing because, again, im not a qualified therapist, i dont know the right things to say, im just some dumbfuck on the internet tryna help someone, but the only thing i can really say is: fuck your family, your dreams are all that matters, dont feed into them, ignore them when possible, have fun, if this doesnt convince you then i do hope you get proper help

[cedar whale]

Idk if i ever will

I really dont know what to do to stop myself anymore

[late heron]

you could talk to your friends
theyd probably be better help than me

[cedar whale]

That'd be fun if they ever replied

[late heron]

i meant your irl friends

[cedar whale]

I always say good luck bc who knows if they even will

[late heron]

or

[cedar whale]

I dont blame them. Who would want to talk to me

[late heron]

i want to you seem chill enough

if im gonna be honest while i wasnt in the same position as you i know how you are feeling to an extent

that everyone despises you and you are alone in the world

when in reality you aint

theres others out there who would love to talk to you

try focus on the good side of things and not the bad

because if you focus on the bad side of things then itll only make you more depressed

[cedar whale]

I try to be positive every day but its brought me nothing

[late heron]

results are slow
very slow

its hard but i believe you can keep going

[cedar whale]

I try and be cheery and friendly and to no avail I still feel like running to ace hardware and grabbing a rope. Its been 6 months

If you look back in my chat history in this channel I am not new here. Dying would be like putting down an old sick dog atp.

[late heron]

then i suggest doing something to alleviate your stress
whether that be beating the shit out of a pillow pretending its your parents or listening to calm music try it

[cedar whale]

All my life ive been treated like nothing.

Every single day, day after day, I dont want to live

[late heron]

if youve been dealing with that for 15 years, in another three suddenly thatll be gone

you could be around people similar to you and support you

it may seem like a long time (thats because it is) but in the end itll be worth it

[cedar whale]

I dont know if it will

I may not have the money to move

And I may not be able to drive so what then

I think its time

[late heron]

but then you can move to your friend's and your parents cant stop you

i know that itll be long and that itll be extremely difficult but i believe you can keep going

youve made it this far, why stop now?

[cedar whale]

Painful

I am always fearful and in pain

I cry far too much far too easily

And with a face like this who wouldn't want to give up

[late heron]

if you commit suicide now, going through that wouldve all been for nothing

[late heron]

you arent ugly, you just aint your own type

theres probably someone out there who finds you beautiful

[cedar whale]

My bf does but idk why

I dont even look like a boy

I look like im like 11 years old and im almost 16

And with a high pitched squeaky voice like mine I almost never want to talk

Im always all bruised up and too thin im not exactly sure what's so great about that

[late heron]

you shouldnt be afraid to talk
you can actually do some pretty funny things with a high pitched voice

[cedar whale]

It just outs me sometimes

I was on call with someone once and they called me a she so I just left and never wanted to call them again.

No apology nothing

[late heron]

tbf, some people do misgender others, it happens, js make sure to correct them when they do call you a she

[cedar whale]

Thats why I just wish I was normal

I wouldn't feel like this if I was

If I could just be a normal boy

[late heron]

being normal is boring

[cedar whale]

But instead I get told I should kill myself on a daily basis

[late heron]

we appear to have that one in common

js ignore it
its people throwing around words because they cant seem to understand that sometimes a girl does not want to be a girl

[cedar whale]

I cant ignore it any more

I hate having a sensitive heart

What good does it bring. It just makes me feel things worse

If one things for certain its that I should not have been born because literally nothing is right with me

[late heron]

i would disagree

you seem fine

[late heron]

you could always give them a comeback

doesnt always work though

sometimes they kinda js call you a slur afterwards

[cedar whale]

Wouldn't be any different than normal

Its very rare someone is nice to me

[late heron]

you got a whole server of nice people to talk to here, maybe spend that bit more time here sometimes

[cedar whale]

I have ADHD, PTSD, I'm trans which means I feel like shit about myself all the time, I have stomach problems, and im severely depressed to the point of suicide

Physically im very fragile, mentally im considered an active risk for suicide

[late heron]

i also have adhd
sorry for asking but how do you have ptsd
the trans thing at least you are what gender you wanted to be ig
the stomach problems thing is probably a sickness or some shit

[cedar whale]

Ptsd is from suffering from abuse

[late heron]

ill read your answer later because im off to sleep

[cedar whale]

Oh

Goodnight then

[late heron]

please dont be dangling from a rope when i wake up

[late heron]

ah

i see

[late heron]

peace

[prisma bolt]

Thats horrible man, i hope you feel better soon. Dont commit suicide, its not worth it, i hope people start calling you a he. Stay strong

[cedar whale]

I decided not to

[finite igloo]

Not to what?

[cedar whale]

||hang myself||

[finite igloo]

That's good that you chose not to

[red coral]

I have the same issue. So I know it's very hard. I hope we both will feel better. By the way, I'm 18 years old.