Hi

[idle arrow]

I have never posted here but i guess i just want to tell someone, i dont see a future anymore ive felt this way for a bit but lately no matter what ive done the feeling hasnt gone away. Ive been sleeping for 18 hours a day. I might just need to up my medication. I dont know why im even writing this

[upper sail]

Have you tried to get help? That doesn’t sound healthy and sounds concerning…

[boreal blade]

do you want to talk about it more? we might be able to make the situattion a little better

[idle arrow]

I see no point in talking about it anymore as its the same thing over and over again, i usually just ignore it. However i appreciate your kindness

[idle arrow]

I have spoken to my boyfriend a bit about it, i dont like stressing him though. Everyone else thinks im lazy so i just tend to act like it isnt happening

[upper sail]

But still, that’s concerning and I’m worried for you

[boreal blade]

we all are

[idle arrow]

I appreciate your concern, however i dont know what else to do. I might go back to therapy but i hate talking about my issues, i just wanna forget sbt it yk

[boreal blade]

maybe find some things that take your mind off of that thing

[upper sail]

Yeah

[boreal blade]

idk about you but when i was dealing with some mental health issues photography and writing really helped me through it

[upper sail]

Hobbies help a lot, and plus I would hate to hear people like this, I hate seeing people hurting or just numb, just know that there are people in the world who cares for you, you seem like an amazing person…

[idle arrow]

I have many hobbies, i just lack all motivation to do any of them as i feel theres no point in them anymore because we will all die anyway sorta thing

I just am in a really deep pit of “everything is pointless”

[boreal blade]

maybe try some new hobbies

[idle arrow]

Im limited due to my disability

[boreal blade]

remember there are two types of "we all die in the end" people

one is sad cause life is meaningless and one is happy because they understand that we all die in the end so there arent any real consequences to our actions

[idle arrow]

I feel like id be at the other wnd of the spectrum if i didnt have a shit life

[boreal blade]

what do you mean by shit life

[idle arrow]

I could give you my whole life story if youd like

🧍🏼

[boreal blade]

its fine if youd like to

maybe looking into the past can help with the future

[idle arrow]

Summary: i grew up with an abusive father, i was born with elhers danlos syndrome. I also have audhd and ocd and dyscalculia. I have pots aswell. I am obese and have been severely bullied my whole life and was addicted to hard drugs and self harm. I have been diagnosed with bpd, cptsd, mdd and panic disorder. Due to my elhers danlos at 18 i have developed early onset arthritis and carpel tunnel. I grew up in a hospital and have had alot of surgeries and medical procedures and still continue to do so

The bullying still continues, im recently graduated, i can barley walk and stand without pain, i cannot write with a pencil and typing is painful. My father is still around despite a restraining order.

The inevitable conclusion of death of all my loved ones lingers over my head and i just know i will crash and never recover when my mum goes

Im having surgery next year

Its 4am so im probably missing alot

But in a small bunch, i see no point to living. I wanted kids I wanted to get married

I wouldnt kill myself because itd hurt my loved ones but im not living for myself

[boreal blade]

thats alot to unpack give me a few minutes ok?

[idle arrow]

Alr

[boreal blade]

what is the surgery that you will be having?

[idle arrow]

Gastric bypass

Yes ive tried losing weight naturally, i cannot due to my eds, pots and high cortisol which was created from being abused and being put in a (as my doctor called it) “survival mode”

So im getting the surgery for my health and so i can stand to look at myself in the mirror

[boreal blade]

first of all your situation sounds awful

is there any way you can get away from your abusive father?

[idle arrow]

Hes like a parasite yk

Hes more around cause of my little brother and his weird focus on my mum

I personally think he needs to get a grip but yk, beggers can’t be choosers

[boreal blade]

do you have plans for after the surgery

[idle arrow]

Recovery, meant to be going to england to visit my boyfriend

[boreal blade]

well atleast thats something to look forward to

[idle arrow]

I guess so, all i can think about is the long plane ride and being away from my room

Its like my mind cant be positive??

And whats worse is i know exactly whats wrong i just cant fix it

[boreal blade]

are you sure you dont want to talk to some prefessional about this

[idle arrow]

Im thinking abt going back to therapy

But i dislike the talking yk

[boreal blade]

that does make sense

but im sure it would be the best option for you

cause i dont really know about this stuff much

i can only use my experience with depression