Anxiety Fear of death/mortality

[autumn jewel]

I used to be suicidal. I was suicidal from around the ages of 9/10 till I was around 14. Nowadays I rarely feel suicidal but that urge has been replaced with the overwhelming fear of death. The fact that my existence isn't permanent and that someday I will be forgotten or that someday my consciousness will cease to exist scares me. I hate the fact that everyone I know will eventually die and return to the earth. Sometimes I find the idea of returning to earth comforting, but other times I find it terrifying. The fact that we are born live and die and that is it. I sometimes have this fear that my heart will just stop. Like my body will someday stop functioning properly before I inevitably suffer until I die. The only times that I feel okay with dying is when I have meltdowns. I have been having them less and less but now I have this fear of it happening again. I know it will eventually but I am scared of hurting others. Frankly I am scared of losing control of myself. I am not religious and am honestly jealous of those who can believe in an afterlife. The idea of my body returning to earth is comforting because I know the very elements that form my body will always be there, but I won't. I am sort of scared of sleeping at night. I have an immense fear of falling asleep and not awaking. Every night I get anxious that I won't be able to wake up in the morning, or that I will wake up in the middle of the night with a medical emergency.

I also can't imagine growing up and being an adult. I am 15 and I am already getting pressured to prepare for the real world. It's so daunting I don't even want to do it. Sometimes I do want to grow up but changing environments and leaving the only person who ever supported me scares me. I have also been having trouble sleeping at night. Before the time change I was always waking up at around 4-6 AM for absolutely no reason. I would than fall in and out of sleep until around 7-9. Now after the time change I have been waking at around 2 AM and falling in and out of sleep until 7-9. I hate it so much. I genuinely wish I didn't have existential thought.

Sorry for writing so much lmao

[quaint viper]

Gimme a minute to read this

This may be the most relatable thing I’ve ever read.

Ok, i know this may sound like a weird piece if advice, but read the book Scythe. It explores morality and what happens if humans had conquered death. It helped me overcome my fear of mortality.

[dense axle]

Isn’t that from Neil schusterman?
The weirdo who wrote unwind or whatever the creepy book about organ thievery in a post civil war America.

[dense axle]

As a fellow autistic person I get it. Death represents arguably the only thing humanity will likely never conquer. It’s omnipresent. But you will be remembered at least for a time. Make a mark on the world in a good way.

[autumn jewel]

Yes I tend to overthink and fixate so I try to fill my days with more stuff and distract myself and keep my brain busy. I just not too recently had a scare where I got tachycardia as a medication side effect where I ended up in the ER for my heart rate being up to 160 for no reason and it lowkey kinda left its mark triggered this sort of thinking again. I haven't thought too much but my POTS was acting up slightly and feeling my pulse reminded me of that incident so I kinda spiraled. Idk if that makes sense at all though 😭✌️

[dense axle]

If you can’t get over it then just try to beat it for as long as you can. Start working out and trying to just live healthy I guess.

[autumn jewel]

Yeah I guess I can't really do much currently but I will hopefully be able to move past the event

[dense axle]

You’re a good person just try to think happy thoughts for now

Here is a silly seal

https://tenor.com/view/seal-seals-fat-seal-seal-retract-scare-seal-gif-4879500682255135297

[autumn jewel]

Seal!!

[cosmic rock]

Yknow, I felt that way too, I understand. Death is natural, what you can do is cherish the life you have, its short but slow. I know your not religious but I would.liek to say a Bible verse Matthew 11: 28, come to me all who are weary and heavy burden and I shall give tou rest. Whay Jesus means is that when you trust in him, and let him handle the situations. You feel more comforting and relaxed, less stressed. I dont follow religion, I follow Jesus..I wouldn't consider Christianity a religion, its more of having a relationship with God, the more you talk to the lord, the more free you feel.from the worlds chains, we will die someday. And yes we go back to earth, heaven is just the beginning, I hope you have a wonderful day, God bless you and goodnight

[quaint viper]

I dont even know but the book is really good and isn’t related to that at all