TW : Mentions of Suicide.

[plucky fossil]

I’ve always felt like Cecilia Lisbon from that movie.

I mean , I’m 13 now - just like she was. Sometimes I feel like I wanna end up like her.

I’ve never stopped thinking of wanting to ||choke|| or ||hang|| myself. I mean I could do it with anything , so why not try again ?

I just don’t want the few people who Do love me to know. Cause they’ll find out and they’ll be devastated , right ? So I have to live for them but I never want to.

I mean , who knows when the day will come that I won’t wake up again.

Or the day of my last birthday , or the second of my last breath. It all gets so surreal doesn’t it.

It’s so hard not to think and write about , I can never take my mind off of it. Like the last bit of dirt you can never scrub off your car , or the small stain on the white shirt that never seems to go away.

It’s draining , sometimes I just stare around my room at things I could ||choke|| myself with , just thinking about what would happen if I did.

I feel dead inside , like all the time. It’s odd , I never know how to deal with it but I try to get by.

I don’t ever know whether or not my brain is trying to fake me into thinking like this sometimes , cause I always think my brain is deceiving me with lies.

There’s voices in my head , and I hear them. Talking to me like I’m a bad person.

I mean eventually the thoughts will actually start to get to me , I just don’t know when which is the sad part.

It’s like I’m waiting anxiously for a day I don’t want to come. I just wanna feel whole like other people do. Yknow ?

I’ve always felt like there was something missing about me , I still don’t know what it is and how to find it. It’s like I’m using a map that only leads me to a dead end each time.

I’m like a bird locked up in its cage it’s whole like , unable to fly like it needs to.

Sometimes I just stand and stare at things out of disappointment and shame for myself. I feel like a horrible person sometimes , cause I don’t feel I’m serious enough when I need to be.

My straws have all been pulled out all these years , as I get older they start to fray and crumble. Leaving me behind as an empty shell of a person with a deeply hurting heart.

I’m like a man alone in an empty field of grass , searching for real human contact that I will never find.

I’m the type of person you probably don’t want in your home , I’ll just be the burden of your problems that’s holding you back from the world.

I don’t even wanna be a burden & I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I was never taught how to care for other people , I always had to learn my own ways to care for them & to care for myself.

Family drama at such a young age was and still is horrible on my mind , I’d never had a break to stop and break free to be the little kid I was once before.

I seem to think I withhold the power to keep myself together all while keeping all my friends up together but I never can. I always tend to break a little sometimes.

I’m scared that if I try to heal I’ll just be the reason for my own death just because I want to better myself for everyone else so they’ll love me.

I’ve held a ton of feelings for years that I could never shed off because I never had the time for it - and I never had people who would actually listen to me.

Nobody ever Actually listens , they just pretend that they’re there for me then leave me when I need them most - it’s what everyone does.

Cause I’m the youngest of my family so I’m the weakest , the punching bag , the culprit , the one who doesn’t know anything. I’m not special.

I’m not special and I’m not smart , and I’m not cool like my siblings are. I look up to them but all they ever do is tear my dreams apart.

I mean maybe someday I’ll get a meaningful hug from someone who’s willing to hold on for a little longer. I need love that can account for the love and comfort I’ve never gotten before.

One day I’ll be better , one day I’ll be normal weight , one day I won’t have all these problems - but someday , I’ll die.

I’ll end up down in the dirt like a little bug trying to build its life up but instead I’m putting myself to rest.

I talk way too much for my own good but even my friends know I wasn’t taught how to act like a real human being.

Every night I think about how much a simple hug and a genuine ‘ I love you ‘ would both heal and break my heart.

I could write paragraphs about all my struggles over and over again like a broken record but I’m not even close to being an adult - yet I still have all these mental issues.

I can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong with me , I don’t wanna go to therapy and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone’s back.

Cause I know the second I tell my friends that I’m struggling and hurting , that they’ll try to tell me I don’t need to carry this burden alone.

I love them too much to share my burdens , they shouldn’t have to worry and carry my problems for me.

I don’t want them to end up like the ant carrying food for the queen to eat , I just want them to know that I’m not okay.

Or for someone to know , at least.

All I know , is that my heart hurts.

And I think it’s time for an eternal resting.