TW depression, attempt

[sturdy idol]

welp. i really don't know how to begin this so i'll just write in whatever order stuff comes back to my mind.
There is no hope for me, not at all. I live in a country where being queer is either hiding away until i can leave or essentially being killed, and ive desperately begged whatever upper forces exist to leave this godforsaken place for years, just reminding myself that my school forces me to cut my hair is extremely painful and can crush my mood (even right now when i'm on break, last year's i attempted cuz of it), everything can easily get me mad because the constant impotence feeling i experiment daily, to the point where i daydream so much that when i realize i will probably spend my whole teenagehood rotting away in the shell of what i am, unable to do anything about it, i sometimes don't even cry anymore, i just hope i don't live on long enough to say i already spent it here, because i have no way out. Again, i'm currently on break from school, still i spend whole days just waiting for someone to text me, trying to start a conversation with 1 or a few friends, which just ends with me desperately trying to maintain the conversation to not feel forgotten, even though i probably am most of the time, looking for something to do, games to play, which i usually just play past the title screen until i realize there's no point in it and looking for something else to do, repeating the cycle, I feel so numb most of the time, i try to do stuff to cheer myself up, most of the time i don't even start doing that stuff i just quit. My mom "supports" me but considering how she kinda just buried the topic once i came out to her she just probably thinks i'm confused or something, so its like i told her nothing at all. I wish to be loved, but i already was once by someone, and i never appreciated it until i wasn't loved anymore, and i still have that wish, but at the same time i know i can't love neither myself neither another therefore i can't be loved.
thats all i guess

TW depression, attempt

quick extra note, i liked drawing, i don't consider myself an artist because i really don't do that well at it, but with all the recent ai bullshit, it feels like that part of me is slowly dying thanks to it, because what will be the point of it when everyone will just not give a shit about it?

[crisp moth]

So you know, even if you don't feel loved or if you feel alone, you aren't alone, and I bet a bunch of people like/love you and you cant say no one does becaus I do ❤️

[crisp moth]

Well no one has to, be proud of your own work even if no one likes it, its a creation you made so be proud of it, and who knows, you might get super good at art in the future. Be proud of you art

[sturdy idol]

thank you

[sturdy idol]

i don't feel proud over it, i feel i can do better, that i don't because i'm a lazy fuck

[crisp moth]

no problem 😊

[crisp moth]

well if you want help on art i would be happy to help you, and if you say your lazy then i recommend drawing/making easy things so you dont have to put mush effort into it

[sturdy idol]

do you really want to?

[crisp moth]

I mean i cant right now but i could tell you a few tricks or give you some

i have a few photos i could find of like tutorials (im not good at giving tips a tricks myself ;-;)

[sturdy idol]

oh mb, still thank you