cringe rant...(depression + idealizations)

[vagrant talon]

i literally feel like a dumbass being a grown adult talking about my problems in a fucking discord thread (again) but holy shit is it getting bad again. I'm trying to fucking hard to stay positive and happy for the sake of everyone around me but that's draining even more of the energy that I don't have. It feels like my body is just being drained of life every single day that passes, and the harder I try to cling to positivity the faster I'm growing into a literal husk of a human being. And it's making me panic because all of the people I love have historically greatly distanced themselves when my mental health gets bad, and I'm relying so hard on other people for happiness right now that I don't know what I'd do if they distanced themselves again. I also feel like a fraud because so many things in my life are going wonderfully and it makes me feel like garbage that they aren't enough to keep me happy. I don't know how to express to people "yeah I love you more than anything but my brain decided I get to feel nothing but emptiness." And obviously as more and more of my light gets drained, the louder and louder the evil little voice in my brain gets that says I'd be better off gone. I say "little voice" but realistically it's about half the thoughts I have. The other half are some form of thing about relapsing. All of them have decided that life is pointless and i should js end it. I don't even disagree, but it's not something I'd ever act on, which only makes the crushing feeling of hopelessness that's been taking over grow even stronger. I just feel like I'm walking around and doing shit because I have to, and even fun things like texting my friends just physically don't bring me as much joy as they used to. School forced me to give up most of my hobbies and passions anyways, so life is just so incredibly bleak right now that even the good parts can't drag me out of the fucking hell of my brain. Idk i just feel so empty all the time and when I'm not empty it's just all consuming self hatred that makes me want to sob. And my anxiety is getting so fucking bad again out of nowhere, I'm having at least one panic attack a day, and I can't seem to relax for the life of me. The constant stress is making me get sick and getting sick is making me more anxious. All in all I'm just so fucking tired and I don't know how much longer I can do this. Anyway, that rant was kind of cringe but since I wrote it all I might as well post it, idek what my goal was for typing this here

[ember prairie]

It is normal if you just lash out once in a while

No one will question it

[modern basin]

If you've attached your self-value to something external to you that's admirable and praiseworthy, you won't find anything when you try to discover the meaning of your own existence.

[modern basin]

In my view, I think you really need someone that you can talk to, but you don't have that someone. Your rant isn't cringe; it's a cry for help. I know what it feels like to put on a facade of a happy person. But the more you do it, the more you will lose your true self. My advice is that you have to satisfy your soul first before society. If the current school system is one of the things that is destroying your mental health, draw your bow at it, channel your hate for yourself to destroying the current system. You are not alone; I, too feel like my true self is being erased day by day by the current system

[vagrant talon]

i don't wanna make a whole new post but i somehow feel even worse and i wanna do nothing other than sleep and cry until i wither away into dust (slightly dramatic wording but it gets the point across). I'm losing my shit I haven't wanted to relapse so bad in a long time but i'm like activiely refusing to do so since I don't want to regain that as a coping mechanism. but i'm like...all out of other options