charred yew
today for the first time ever i went to the gym. I mainly do rock climbing and calisthenics so i have some experience in gyms but they were always nearly empty or i do them alone. So today i was like "yeah im gonna go to the gym workout feel good with myself " spoiler alert that did not happen. I came with a plan that slowly but surely fell apart, first i didnt check what equipment was at the gym before going (rookie mistake i know but it was my first time) so i spent a good 20-30 minutes reorganizing and rescheduling my plan. so i started and after my first set i started getting this feeling that everyone was looking at me and my mind started going like "what is it my haircut, my shirt am i using incorrect technique or what". And it all came to a boiling points when i reached an exercise that i did not know how to perform. I was too afraid to ask anyone about it and felt that some people were looking my way with a weird look on their faces, so i just called it quits and headed home with half of a workout remaining undone. then after going out i was like "probably all the people there think im stupid and what not" and got this feeling again that ive felt many times before. its wanting so be but not feel, to just spectate on the world, or to just be invisible. this same feeling of being judged on every action happens to me almost every time im out in a public place, even on busses and trains. its really impairing my ability to become a better person both physically and mentally. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, i want to cease to exists without any of the drawbacks of dying