timber scarab
Feelings for women ----------
Later in elementary school, I had a friend who, as far as I remember, I felt something different about from the first time I saw her. I couldn’t talk to her the way I did with other friends; I was shy around her. When I arrived at school and she was the only one from our friend group there, I felt embarrassed. One day my hair fell in front of my face (I remember this, but I’m not sure if it really happened—it was a long time ago). She brushed it away, and I blushed a lot; it felt like the world stopped for a few seconds.
There was also a teacher in elementary school I felt differently around. Whenever she spoke to me, I would blush a lot. I remember wanting her to see me with my brother so she’d think I was friends with older kids and notice me. I have a vague memory of being in a restaurant, smelling her perfume, and looking for her (also vague, I’m not sure if it’s real).
In high school, there was a girl I thought was beautiful from the moment I saw her. I couldn’t stop looking at her; in a crowded classroom, I paid more attention to her. Once she was near me, and I made jokes to get her to notice me (and I’m shy). I had fantasies where she found me funny and pretty. I remember having dreams about her. Once, I read online that if you dream about someone, it’s because the person is thinking about you (I knew this wasn’t true, but at the time I believed it) and I felt happy. One day (I’m not sure if it was a dream or real),
I felt nervous and self-conscious around some women on the street too.
candid quiver