gradually deteriorating mental health

[ionic dune]

i know i'm not lazy because every single day it always truly feels like i'm slowly losing motivation to do stuff

but hey, my teachers are finally catching on to how i act in school

there are a lot of instances where i've hidden my poor mental health

for about 2 weeks now i've developed anger issues, and to be honest i really need a good long rest

more like a factory reset of the brain

i just want to be heard from a lot of people

it has been 2 years since i caused an "incident" where i tried to call CPS on my own, but was caught in the act by my father

we sat and talked to each other about why i was doing that, and he completely understood me

but i failed to realize that everything in this entire household i live in is managed by mostly my mother

so if my mother disappears from my life, there is really no way i can move out to europe and get checked there

i know my mother doesn't want to change, i can feel it

i've told my art / homeroom teacher about my mental health

she has us all paint something as a class and present it, but since i didn't trust almost all of my classmates, i decided i'd cover it up with something else

in this case, i painted a grass field and a blue sky, with a blue man, and i made him melt

the melting aspect of the drawing was supposed to be how my current mental health is going

but since i couldn't just talk about that, i decided i would cover it up with "climate change"

because "global warming increases the temperature"

i exaggerated that in the form of melting

that was a fake but well-covered reason for my mental health, i know climate change has nothing to do with my poor mental health

i did get asked by one of the junior students why i was acting so weird lately, and i did mention my mental health, then said i was fine

and he was very confused, he tried offering for help and i just

i declined his offer

because i didn't have trust in him at all

its just that

when someone offers for help, i decline, because i believe that's going to cause a huge issue

and eventually would get reported to my parents

which are the two figures i don't trust when it comes to talking about my mental health

my mother jokes about it and tells me i'm in a good state when i'm not

i swear every time she comes back from work she hears me in a tired state

and proceeds to just ignore that

not only is my mother very close-minded

but she's also controlling in the things i want to do

for instance, i have curly hair, and my mom hates that

instead of just letting me be, she tries to ask me to backcomb my hair, which i have proven lots of times to her that it rips and damages my hair

but she doesn't care at all

aside from all of that

whenever i get into an injury, she rushes to me acting all soft and crap

like she was never soft when we both moved to this country, she's always been slightly harsh

aside from my parents

i love my friends a lot. they respect my privacy, they are good at keeping things i tell them between us [good at keeping secrets]

they know i'm wanting to send help and they also know that i'm scared of what will happen because of the consequences

and they know i can't trust my parents

i swear every day i tell them about what my parents do to me at home

my friends are like really supportive buddies

i also let my biology and chemistry teacher know that i'm facing troubles with focusing and all that, unnecessary competition and commenting between students in a class

that is a huge step taken by me never been done before because i trust them and i know they won't inform my parents about it

every single day of school if i ever need to focus, i'll always isolate myself in a corner in class and teach myself the lessons that others are learning

and it's been helping me out a lot

i'm trying not to stress myself [which has made my hair strands fall a lot]