I don’t feel like I belong in either communities

[fallow birch]

I realized I was sapphic a little less than a year ago when I got my first crush. At first I thought I was just going with a trend, until I actually really, really started liking her, at least, I think I really liked her. I like girls, that makes me gay, so I don’t know why I keep doubting that I’m part of the LGBTQIA+ community.
I also stared getting a little imposter syndrome in church, which isn’t great. It seems like all of my (Christian) classes, are not so subtly homophobic and transphobic. I go to a non-denominational church, so I really know their stand on things other than even my favorite small group leader doesn’t believe that you can be nonbinary. Which is a little bit of a sore spot for me because my oldest sibling is nonbinary, (out and proud).
My dad is unaccepting, but try’s to talk to me in a nice manner, so that’s great, because I really do appreciate him wanting to talk to me about it. My mom is just homophobic, (with a little bit of transphobia on the side) so whenever we talk about it one of us just ends up crying or yelling.
Continued

My other sibling, I can’t tall where he stands, because it changes by who he’s with. I can talk about my crushes with him, and he’ll listen, and I can show him some queer memes, but then if I show him one that he deems isn’t funny he’ll get mad at me because all I ever do is look at gay stuff. (However, my Pinterest is very gay, because Pinterest, discord and YouTube are the only places where I don’t have to be nervous when people talk about crushes.) but then I woke up one morning and decided to eavesdrop before I went downstairs, and he’s saying all this transphobic stuff, and saying a lot of bad stuff about our oldest sibling.
So long story short, I don’t feel like I belong with a group. I am a Christian, me and God have had a rocky relationship, but I believe that He exists. But I believe in LGBTQIA+ rights. And im doubting whether or not I’m actually queer, or just going along with everyone else.
I have finally found some queer irl friends, and they’re great, they are a few of the limited people I can actually talk about anything to. I just wish we could hangout more often, since I feel like they only get the gay side of me (or the depressed side), since with them is the only time I’m allowed to be gay or depressed.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant, I’ve had that on my chest for a while, but I’ve never written it all out. I love this community so much.

[hot kite]

I'm proud of you for getting all of that out.
And, you don't have to figure out if you queer right now. You still have time. No need to rush. You are still in the LGBTQIA+ community if you're questioning or something. Or you can choose not to be!
You can believe in God and believe in equal rights. Just be you. Do what you want.
And, maybe don't talk about it with your mom as much. It doesn't seem like she's going to change her views or realize anything. Unless she tries to accept a little more! I don't know what she's like, so.

[fallow birch]

Thanks, that really means a lot to me that someone read all of that.
Also I’m trying not to talk to mom about queer topic as much any more, and that seems to be working. It’s just all the times when she says something like “when you get a boyfriend” or “when you and your husband” I try to let it go. It’s not that it’s offensive, I just don’t think it’s healthy for her, if I end up marrying some one who doesn’t identify as male, I’m scared of what she might do. I know that’s at least 4 years away, but it still weighs on my mind.
But thanks so much for the advice. It’s is appreciated.

[thick junco]

Everybody who bastardizes Christianity to be used as a tool for bigotry or evils is not a good person.
You will be a better person just off the fact you follow Christianity and believe in helping others, not throwing the downtrodden away just because they don’t conform to your beliefs.
You can be queer and a Christian.