Mortality

[grim terrace]

Hey guys, new to the discord, old to the community. I have to vent somewhere about this.
I am.. not well.
My support system is small, I have my partner, bless her heart. And two friends none of those two are in any way capable of understanding my mentality.
I’m 25 soon. I have a bio kid and an adopted aged range from 2-4. I came out about being non binary a little over 4 years ago. I’ll be honest since doing so, my depression took a wild turn. I no longer wanted to kill myself as badly as I once had, instead, and unfortunately a deep unyielding anxiety surrounding the topic and ideas have waged their war against my mind.

Leaving the house scares me.
Staying home scares me.
Letting someone else drive? You guessed it scares me.
Driving??? Yeah, nah, that too.

Mortality scares me.
I feel alone.

To explain that last part, when my Ex and I split, after everything that had happened. Accusations and lies, money dumped towards defense. Tragic. Along side that my Ex ensured no friendship survived our splitting. It’s been 2 years nearing 3 since it’s just been me and my partner. Like I said bless her heart.

This is a plea.
For what?
I guess acceptance, understanding, and generally I think friends.
This is the worst.
I plea for any vacant position in any friendship.
Fuck man let the friendship even be abusive, I crave people again
Please

I’d feel guilty if I were to edit this in any form.
So I add.

This is an indirect/direct apology to my partner.
My inadequacies as a person are and never were your fault or problem.
I’ve been around this planet long enough to see that I’m by little more than a burden to you. I scream at myself to be better. To do better. I hate the burn I feel when I have caused so much discomfort damage and pain that you don’t even embrace me anymore

I’m sorry.
You deserve to see the best me and I’m sorry I fall short of that. I pray to whatever gods still listen to my shitty pleas that my efforts and tribulations see progress in your heart.
Thank you for being my best friend and favorite person.
If I wasn’t so scared of mortality I’d unburden.
I’m sorry I’m a scared shitbag all the time.

A message to myself.
Burn you idiot.
How dare you. This is what you amount to? Really?
Every god forsaken moment you spend is on anxiety. You should have learned already. You fuck it up every god damn time.
You really think your partner is going to stick around with your bullshit? How dare you. You know you could have fixed all this with simple communication but anxiety always has other plans.
You hate yourself for everything you’ve ever done. The one thing in this world that shouldn’t be here is you.
Your partner is the best thing to happen to you but you can’t trust that they aren’t your experiences? How fuckin dense are you?
She and that person could never be the same you know that implicitly without ever needing proof. They are so otherworldly different that you’d have to be losing your shit before that could even occur.
Shame on you. And shame on me.
I should have just been better from the start.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m not kinder to me

Hating that I know people are reading this. But I’d rather do it with my ass out yknow? 15 year old me would have bashed his head in by now. I hate this utter bareness that this is. This is also where it’s likely safe to be guttural and vivid with my thoughts. Expose those wild wires