I don't know anymore.

[arctic mango]

TW: ||Mentions of Self Harm & Suicidal Thoughts||

I want to come out I want to come out I want to come out I want to come out.

That's all I want to do. Just. Come out.

It's been almost a year since i decided.

and 6 months since my failed attempt.

I want to do it.

But everyday I just get more & more scared.

I've even gone as far as to ||make tiny slits on my arm|| out of pure fear and anxiety.

||I almost killed myself over this. Twice. ||

I don't want to be a boy anymore. I feel uncomfortable being a boy.

I don't like looking like a boy. I look ugly.

I just want to be a girl.

I want to act like one, talk like one.

Hell, maybe even dress like one.

I want to be able to grow my hair out (even though I can't.).

I want to paint my nails.

It's all I want to achieve anymore.

Not get good grades in school.

Not make new friends.

Just.

sigh.

I want to be a girl.

[wary lagoon]

Hmm, it's 2 am for me right now but let me see if I can say something right now.

[blazing tree]

Start small. Do you have a best friend you could talk to? One that wouldn’t judge? My best friend was the first person I told. Gather their suggestions. Perhaps talk to a counselor or therapist afterwards.

[wary lagoon]

You really want to come out? Dang wish so too, but I can't since my dad gonna beat the hell out of me so I've been waiting for that freedom for so long after I can just get that job and independence I can come out...

Your still young don't waste your life mate.. if you really wanna come out? Then can I ask what's hindering you to come out? Is it family restrictions or community restrictions there?

Relatable, tried to kill myself for like 5x always with the same knife but I always asked myself "is death really gonna make me feel like who I am?" And I know the answer is no since death is eternal nothingness... Dying won't help to make me feel who I am either...

Quite a similar feeling, I'm biologically a girl, but I never ever felt like one for like so long a decade so to be precise, I came to accept reality that yeah I'm a woman sure but I do know the fact that I don't feel like one and I don't blame myself for that since it's not our fault in the first place to have what we have in our body we're not even conscious yet during the first stages of life either.. So yeah, there's so many successful trans people out there who actually came out and successfully had their transition and that's cool and I always love them and quite envious at the same time since I also wanted so but I can't yet, reality is harsh yes but you gotta face it if you don't want it to hurt much but I'm not saying to be stuck there, face it and pass through it and come out, if the other trans people can so do you and maybe in the future I can be one as well if ever I save enough money for surgery and stuffs.

This might sound harsh, but in the end this all we can do, I'm trying to face mine so do yours and your not alone with the struggle mate but that doesn't make the pain go away I understand that but its gonna be more painful if you blame yourself again and again, you might not blame yourself directly but harming yourself is a way itself..

If you can, do your best at school, go get a good job, get yourself some shelter to live at, go find actual friends you can lean on and have fun with and do remember true friends doesn't harm you in any way, don't mix up acquaintances with friendship.

Until now I'm fucking my own body so bad that it's slowly declining in a way and I'm regretting it so bad, your younger than me so I hope you won't fall down too hard like my ass..

If the others can do their transition, so do you mate. Just believe and wait also don't forget to work for it since you won't have it if you don't, that's why try to get good grades as much as possible just to pass your classes and get a good job and save your money and when you get enough money for surgery and stuffs? Then you'll get in that point where you can finally be one, it's not biologically being one, but at least you can be one, defy death and life and be whatever you like to be mate.

[blazing tree]

Well put ❤️

[wary lagoon]

You gotta need some support from friends at least to give you some push of confidence as well at the same time, if you don't have one just like me then the community is always here and around the world so yeah your not alone mate.

[arctic mango]

just read this all.

thank you so much.

thank you so. so much.

<3

[wary lagoon]

No problem mate, gonna check my ass if I got a fever right now, stay safe at the same time and stop harming yourself that's all, do have a nice day btw.

[arctic mango]

thanks, you too.

[signal spade]

I know it's a small thing but in regards to growing your hair out, just let it grow for a while, eventually your going to need a haircut and for that go to a unisex salon (you can get a feminine haircut there without many questions) and your parents will be none the wiser. If your really scared get a wolf cut as those tend to be considered both masculine and feminine depending on how you style it, heck, you can have bangs and just hide them around your parents

[arctic mango]

problem is i have really weird curly hair

and it just

grows out and not down

[blazing tree]

I had the same problem. Eventually the hair became heavy enough where it dragged itself down. I brushed it a lot and stole a straightener at some point.

[polar solar]

Ugh, I know the problem. I want my hair to just grow down. Not up and out