Mental health took an absolute nose dive 3 weeks ago and refuses to pull back up

[rugged elk]

TW: ||Suicide and self harm||

I’m probably overthinking it all but I didn’t come to this server just to vent, it’s just a convenient place to do it, especially since I haven’t really developed relationships with anyone here so it ain’t like police will be called on me but I digress. To keep it short my brain just, stopped functioning to any degree of positivity a couple weeks ago I dunno. I think it started bc I kept forgetting to take my antidepressants and then just spiraled out of control, but quite frankly at this point I don’t wanna take them because if this is how I feel off of them then I don’t wanna put a bandaid over a gaping wound. It feels disingenuous, it feels like I’m cheating in life to take them so I refuse to, everyone keeps saying I should and I just can’t. My self esteem is basically non existent, I feel worthless and fucking stupid, and I mean it’s a pretty grounded in reality assessment of myself, I’m not good at shit, and I feel like I don’t have a personality at all. I guess this is another reason it’s convenient to vent here because it’s not like people can grasp at straws to find some meaning as to why I should continue existing because nobody knows me. Anyways though, I feel like an absolute lost cause. I’ve been through two years of therapy and have been hospitalized and I’m still mentally dysfunctional. Quite frankly I feel like whatever greater power this is wanted me dead if they gave me all these metal deficiencies and on top of it all Tourettes.

Additionally, I’m Trans, living in Texas… I won’t have access to ANY gender affirming care till at least 4 years from now when I’m 22 and I can’t try to present femme because if I do either of those things my parents won’t pay my tuition for college, and I would rather just be miserable in the short term and possibly kill myself instead of ruining the rest of my life. Also I feel incredibly alone, beyond dire straits alone— me and my bf maybe say 25 words to each other every day and it’s a long distance relationship so we can’t physically interact, and on top of it all I can barely voice chat with him. All of this adds to my grotesque pile of despair. Given all this, it takes more strength than I have quite frankly to not end it all. I’ve already tried about 2 weeks ago when I took twice the lethal dose of one of my meds, just had a seizure or two and some lasting heart palpitations and in some sick fucking twist of fate I lived. I type this now, planning on mixing a new med I got with some other meds to take me out of the game for good. And if I succeed then to that I say good riddance