I tried to post a really big message earlier but discord glitches out.
I just don’t like myself.
Mods I’m posting what I was originally going to in the comments and it has some stuff that might be rule breaks but how can you delete this when I’m in a time of crisis. At the very least dm me if you delete this.
#I hate myself
humble urchin
Trigger warning mentions of suicide, self harm, methods of suicide, homophobic and ableist slurs, internalized homophobia and ableism, and excessive usage of expletives.
If this could damage your fragile mental psyche do not fucking read! I do not want to make another person uncomfortable or make them do something harmful I am the only person who deserves that.
If you are of sound mind read on.
Also I know I already sound like a stupid fucking edgelord. I’m much fucking worse and I will keep using the word fuck because I’m an idiot with an incredibly small vocabulary who’s stupid. Also the whole reason I’m writing this post is so stupid I wouldn’t even talk about it on a crisis hotline.
Also mods please leave this up I fucking require help and my ass feels this matter is not deserving of a hotline and if this gets taken down I’ll probably start cutting myself because my stupid autistic ass thinks that everything bad that happens to me is personal and the result of a conspiracy and not me breaking rules. I will mention breaking terms of service but I will not detail it besides what I did (I’m sorry I can’t describe words good I’m stupid but basically I’ll only say that I did a bad action but I won’t tell people how to copy said action.) also if this does get deleted please at least one mod dm me to check if I am alright you can’t in good conscience delete this and not make sure I’m ok.
I AM SCARED I AN GOING TO HURT MY BROTHER BECAUSE I AM SO UNSTABLE AND IF I DID THAT I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FORGIVE MYSELF!!!
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!! I AM A WORTHLESS STUPID PIECE OF BIGOTED SHIT!!! JUST WITHIN THE LAST THIRTY MINUTES MY (slow in French-ed) ASS ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY POSSIBLY COULD HAVE MADE SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY MATTERS GET HURT!!! MY STUPID (homophobic slur) ASS WAS ON THE HELLDIVERS DISCORD AND I JOKINGLY TOLD SOMEONE TO MAKE MUSTARD GAS!!! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN SOMEONE HURT SOMEBODY WHO IS ACTUALLY INNOCENT UNLIKE ME I AM EVIL AND EVIL MUST BE SNUFFED OUT!!!
That (slow in French-ed) action got me muted.
I am stupid and autistic and think everything that happens to me is personal and happens because people hate me which is blatantly untrue.
I AM ALSO A STUPID FUCKING (homophobic slur) DEGENERATE PANSEXUAL PERVERT!!! I AM SO FUCKING DISGUSTING AND PERVERTED I DO NOT EVEN HAVE A FUCKING PREFERENCE!
I HAVE TO BE FIXED I AM BROKEN AND A HORRIBLE INDIVIDUAL!!! EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HELPED PEOPLE ON THIS PART OF THE SERVER THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!! I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED KINDLY!!!
I SHOULD FUCKING KILL MYSELF THE ONLY DEBATE IS WHETHER OR NOT I WILL DO IT BY SLITTING MY WRIST’S OR OVERDOSING ON PRESCRIPTION MEDS!!! I FUCKING HATE MY UGLY FACE I WANT TO CUT IT OFF AND BURN IT IT IS A DISGRACE TO EVERYTHING GOOD ON THIS PLANET IT IS AN AFFRONT TO NATURE!!! Last December I made a reference to overdosing on clonidine (an anxiety, sleep, and I think blood pressure drug it has a lot of uses) because of that my dad took me to the car and was going to drive me to the children’s hospital so that I could go to a psyche ward or some shit. When we were just getting out of our neighborhood I told him that I would try to yank on the wheel and crash us so I wouldn’t have to go. He then decided it was unsafe for us to drive all the way there and instead took me to our local grocery store parking lot and called the Minnesota crisis hotline. My stupid (homophobic slur) self decided that I wouldn’t take any advice from an exceedingly kind lady on the hotline and so I acted pissy and rude and also lost interest in one of my favorite hobbies, World War Two aviation.
Now because of me getting muted on a stupid discord server for potentially giving someone instructions to kill themselves I am having a mental breakdown.
I am not a good force on this world.
I hate myself I’m bad and evil am not good.
When I’m older I’m probably just going to die doing something stupid and violent.