TW //// issues with SH

[kind oracle]

i just relapsed really badly after staying a week clean, im a little dissapointed in myself but i dont really care anymore, im tired of feeling tired and sad and numb everyday, its all a cycle of me waking up, going to school, and just sitting there, doing nothing but bedrotting because i dont have any friends to hang out with irl and im too anxious to actually trust people who could be my friends. I feel alone because the only places i can vent out my issues are online, and even then i still feel like a massive burden to everyone around me, i dont feel safe telling my family, or my therapist, im afraid they'll accidentally hurt me again. I want to commit but i dont want to hurt the few people i love.

[loud roost]

If you self harmed in a legitimately dangerous way that could kill you then you need to stop texting and call emergency services. If you just engaged in something kind of minor or non life threatening keep reading.
It can get better.
Last year I had a very similar experience at school. I was fueled almost entirely by spite for those who I believed were ruining my life.
I got out of that phase and you can to.
It’s hard to make new friends.
Last year I had two friends and I refused to socialize with people for any longer than I had to. I’ve learned that isn’t productive and now try and socialize with people who seem similar to me or who look like they have similar interests.
I have personally engaged in the cycles of shame and self harm a few times. It’s hard to break them but you can do it.
We can continue this conversation if you want here or in dm’s.

[kind oracle]

the cuts werent that bad, there wasnt even that much blood even.

I keep telling myself it will get better, and sometimes it does, but even then something happens and i either relapse or just have a mental breakdown out of nowhere

sometimes nothing can happen at all and i relapse, this time it was just the fact that my old scars had healed :/

[loud roost]

I personally haven’t cut instead I, and this might sound a somewhat cringey I bit myself in the leg.
Self harm isn’t a very good coping strategy but it is at least better than suicide.

You seem pretty similar to me.
You autistic?

[kind oracle]

yeah im aware, my mind just bugs me and nags at me though if i dont sh for too long though which is frusterating

[kind oracle]

howd you know 💔

[loud roost]

Hyperfixiations and the tism detector

[kind oracle]

also the biting in the leg thing isnt really that cringy, but biting can still be bad just like any sh method

[kind oracle]

yeeaa i have uuuhh diagnosed Autism, OCD, ADHD, and PTSD.

you can say im quite the collector

[loud roost]

Damn I’m only autistic, ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depressed, also maybe a little ocd.

Also autistic people are at a higher rate of being queer (or at least being public about it) I speculate this is do to our blindness to social faux pas.

[kind oracle]

dang, that sounds like a handful :(

[kind oracle]

mhm

[loud roost]

I’m also painfully empathetic.
I have the occasional breakdown where I sob about how awful this goddamn rock is.
Mostly though this has manifested in me going under every mental health post here and trying to help.

[kind oracle]

big giant blue and green rock floating through space..

how can something so small be so chaotic

[loud roost]

You’re making me existential stop it 😅

[kind oracle]

and honestly, thinking about the whole relapse thing.. i guess atleast this time i tried to not relapse this time, i made it to a whole week. maybe this time ill try to get to two weeks.

[kind oracle]

oops mb

[loud roost]

It’s fine I’m mostly joking but it’s a legitimate issue.

[kind oracle]

i dont get very existential because i dont form thoughts at all

[loud roost]

Level one thousand autism

[kind oracle]

also maybe therapy can help with that, or maybe meds.. dosent work for everyone but its worth a try

[kind oracle]

true.....

[loud roost]

I have anxiety medication I take occasionally if the situation is real shitty.
It helps the only problem is it absolutely flattens me and makes me ridiculously drowsy.
I also once got high off it (don’t abuse the medication I just accidentally took like three within the span of a day) and had conversations with higher beings or something.

[kind oracle]

i see

well im glad you dont intentionally drug abuse, i feel like it fucks you up more than cutting does

thats why i promised not to even try it

too scared of what it might do

[loud roost]

Yeah I’m also too much of a scaredy cat to abuse any drugs.
Mostly because of needles but also because I know that drug producers are cheaping out nowadays and cutting almost every drug with fentanyl which is just obscenely effective at killing people.

[kind oracle]

maybe being a scaredy cat sometimes is a good thing

[loud roost]

It is.

[kind oracle]

keeps you away from danger

i think im feeling a little better now honestly, talking with you helped.

thanks by the way, for stopping to comfort me

[loud roost]

You’re very much so welcome.
I’m doing this for the dopamine high of empathy that’s probably comparable to when boomers sit behind a slot machine.
I’m not saying I do this just to feel like a good person I do this because it genuinely could help someone.
The rush of good feelings is just a very nice bonus.