I have no idea what to do anymore

[dreamy idol]

My mental health's been so shit lately it's driving me absolutely crazy. Usually it's fine but sometimes it's really bad and I end up acting in ways/saying things I don't mean and I end up really regretting it later. I have no idea what to do about it because the simple idea of getting help is terrifying. It was drilled into my mind that I wasn't allowed to get help or speak out so I just feel like I wouldn't even deserve it if I did. Change is so terrifying and even though I'm getting help, I don't want it. It's scary and I hate getting out of my comfort zone. I hate this way of thinking because I know how self destructive I can be, to a point where I'd cuss out my own friends so they'd leave me alone instead of letting them help. To the point where I say I don't deserve anything I have because I'm just a pos and a fucking mess. Hiding it all behind a happy face is what I do all day because no one would fucking love me or want to be friends if I wasn't hiding some parts of me. I'm just so tired of it all I have no idea what to do anymore. I need help but I don't want it because of how scary it is

[cerulean tartan]

Hey you doing ok?
If you need someone to vent to I’m here.
I get that feeling of beating yourself up and calling yourself a miserable failure and all that shit.
It will get better.
It would be a tragedy if the world lost you.
Getting help can be scary and I say that not just to affirm you but because I was scared of getting help to.
I once had to deal with the consequences of my actions when I said I was going to overdose on an anxiety med I took. My parents obviously took this seriously so they called a mental health hotline and I had a chat with them.
It can be uncomfortable and scary but I promise you it’s worth it.

[dreamy idol]

Rn I'm feeling better but I know it won't last. It never does. And I'm not saying that because I'm don't believe or anything, I say that because my emotions can change in a second and they're always wilder than people usually have them. I feel things worse than others, hell I was told I might have bpd. It landed me in the hospital under observation once because I nearly did something stupid
It's so damn hard living with that and every time I talk about it, it feels like I'm getting invalidated and it hurts.
I just want it all to be over, I've spent the last 5 years struggling with my feelings and people have either 1. Not cared. 2. Said they cared and didn't do shit. 3. Couldn't do shit.

Idk it's just hard to live with it all
On top of having to deal with all the trauma I gained from my life
I'll keep in mind your offer for venting in dms, though

[cerulean tartan]

I have something probably similar to you in that I’ve got a hair trigger temper.
It happens and you’re not lesser or worse because of it.
You’ll be ok.
Just think before you act.
I know this probably sounds really preachy but it’s some of the best advice I can give.
You’re a good person and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
It would be awful if you left this world.

[dreamy idol]

Thanks, I needed to hear that