Im so tired, and i need to vent... (Warning, Su!cide)

[soft karma]

I dont know what it is, but anytime i come in contact with anyone, and i mean literally anyone, its only a matter of hours till they decide they just want me to go away (i hardly talk to people and i've tried to make myself more of something people won't run from when they meet me, idk what causes people to hate me, i wish i did, but i don't, all i know is something inside of me is the problem) but whenever i talk to people they just want me to disappear, im not good at making social connections ig which sucks cuz connections is the stuff that keeps my depression and loneliness at bay, i try not to require social energy to keep me going because i realize that almost every single time there will be none headed my way, but trying to pretend like this isn't taking a tole on me is getting incredibly difficult. I've been going through a phase of internal self exploration which has led me to many communities of people in which i share interests, etc, in hopes that they'll be different than all the other communities i've joined before them, and that i can find something in them to keep me going, but as usual, within hours people just want me to go away, i want to know why so i can change it, but idk and prob never will. With me trying to find connections and stuff to distract myself from the internal hatred of myself all the time, its finally catching up with me, || I dont want to be here anymore, there's clearly no reason for me to be here, and im just a burden and a nuisance to everyone at this point, and i imagine everyone would agree ||. Its so tiring trying to tell myself things will get better when i know full well they never will everyday of my life. I keep trying to pretend like i dont care about everyone distancing themselves from me, but i cant, and tbh venting will probably only make me more distant from everything i know, but i gotta get this off my chest. Sorry about how confusing this may be, idk how else to word it rn. Im not good at communicating clearly :/

[sleek ember]

Hello again
You should always be yourself regardless of if it's popular.
Trying to be more positive can also help. I understand that that's hard, but a big repellent for a lot of people is that they will make a lot of self deprecating jokes and persistent negativity can be uncomfortable. Not to say you should never tell people how you are doing, just that you should make sure not to talk at length about being unlovable and I guarantee that people will be more comfortable around you if you are more positive.
You can also find people that understand you better. A lot of people just aren't that great sometimes and it's good to find people that you don't feel the need to perform for to keep their interest

[soft karma]

I've tried being positive to, it doesn't work. Idk why, but im annoying, and people just want me get out of their life as soon as possible. I taint their image ig. I'll try to keep moving foreward though, it'll just be a very lonely process im realizing

[sleek ember]

Try to be your authentic self. If people don't like it then that's not your fault. It can be hard to make friends but true friends can accept you and your quirks. Try not to focus on skillfully building reputation with them and instead just existing around them and see where it goes

[soft karma]

But if being my authentic self isn't getting me anywhere, and is making me more alone, idk that i wanna be me, sadly i choose to be myself anyways :(

[sleek ember]

You'll find people eventually