I think i smoke to much. Everyday i smoke either it be nic or ||weed|| i only smoke my nic since it dont really smell. but with || weed || its harder to do that as much since i always want to get high. Its hard to get off cause my uncle and my sister smoke ||weed|| and im more prone to smoke with them. I want to get better i do, its hard for me to keep a good mood everyday. Theres days where i just wajt to do sh and want to end it. Im scared to even || relapse or make another attempt || my counselor is making me see a child psychologist for bipolar.. but if i do have bipolar i dont want to take meds or go on different meds. My adhd has been out of hand too. im so tired everyday
#tw//SI, SH and dr//g use
white rune
white rune
i sont know if i can keep going. i dont know if anything is real i dont know if im out of my psychosis episdoe or my depressive episode anymore. everytime i think im finally out of an episode im not i never will be, i hate hvaing mdd because it doesnt matter if im happy there is always a void that wont be filled. i think this wouldnt have happened if my mom could just stopped fucking drinking. i hate myself everyday since the day she passed. my own mom isnt even in my life anymore, she was always in and out of my life and now she wont come back? i hate myself for not being more aware of what was going on but what was a 11 year old supposed to do? was i supposed to stop her? i couldve stopped her. maybe if i did i wouldnt be in this situation of battling thoughts of me ||taking my own life or thoughts of me ctting myself.|| i wouldnt be addicted to smoking or i wouldnt be in a situation of maybe ||overdsing|| i want her to just come back. everyday is harder knowing my own mom wont come back.. i forgot her voice i forgot how she was her laugh. everything. my granfma says she misses her too, like yea its your daughter.. but its my mom. my MOM . I want my mommy back and i cant do anything during the day without thinking about my mom and it hurts, i hate people who drink i hate alcohol with a passion. i want my
mommy abck she was my only source of happiness and the reason why i was okay. when she passed i had nightmares of her saying it was my fault and i shouldve saved her in toem. now im stuck with major depression and trauma i cant escape
i dont onow if i can go on anymorw without something going wrong. everythign i di is wrong.. my own family thinks im weird, my uncle makes weird comments about everything i do or just straights up makes fun of me. i hate him and i want him to jus tleave me alone. my little brother doesn like me because yk im just his older sister who has problems and takes meds bc im mentally unstable. like yea i do and my older sister has been through the same fricken thing. both of your older sisters have and you think its funny to make fun of me bc i take meds?? yea fucking right. I wouldnt let it slide and yelled at you but your fucking spoiled and all you do is cry and complain wehn you cant have your way. I WANT THINGS TO GO MY WAY FOR ME. im tired of being treated like im just a lost cause, im tired of being the weird little sister who just wants to make friends but fails hc im weird. im tiredof being the person who has a bigger heart than anyone in the house. Cause no one clearly understands that everything hurts. im in physical and mental pain and im slowly losing control of my own emotions and body.
i cant do anything without putting everyone first and myself last. but if i put myself first im selfish.. im always selfish, no one doesn’t understand how much my life has affected me. i dont even remember half of my life because of the trauma. and somehow the most traumatic memories stay with me and wont leave me alone. theres days where i jsut wish it would stop. || there is fays where i wish i didnt wake ip or if i kept making attempts it wouldve worked.|| the grief and emotions i carry on my shoulders are hard to keep going on with. counseling doesnt feel enough, my meds dont feel enough. i dont feel enough.
stuck helm
I’m sorry this is the situation you’re in right now (although I realize saying that only really does so much)
Unfortunately I’m not super well educated in mental disorders so I can’t really talk there. Same goes with the addiction stuff. Where I can help, however, is the thinking about the past and having to deal with the conditions of the present
First off, let’s address the past. Unfortunately, it’s something we can’t return to but nor is it something we can fully forget. Regarding the trauma, there are things that will never fully go away, so I guess you just have to, I’m not sure if accept it is the right thing to say, but understand that it’s something that could always be there. At the same time, if possible, you can at least somewhat ease the concern it gives you knowing at least that it is something of the past. Those experiences will always be there, so it’s a matter of how to rather than if you’ll need to handle those thoughts for the rest of your life.
And regarding the present, just as past was once present, the present will eventually be past. No matter how bad things may seem, what surrounds you now won’t always. The biggest thing that will change is that you will become an adult. As you seem to have a lot of family issues, you can put all those behind you. You finally get control of your life. That aside, as you keep living your life, you meet new people, do new things, all of which change your life. So please, I ask that you continue on rather than end it now. I know it can be hard (although only you know how hard) but things will eventually change. And remember, there are people who care about you, I know I do and I’m sure others do as well.
white rune
I dont know if continuing is a option anymore. i physically cannot do anything my body is in so much pain my emotions are reaching peak sensitivity and im so exhausted. i literally cried today over smth and i refuse to talk to anyone. i go non verbal everytime i cry, i refuse to talk or look at anyone. i hate being this way i genuinely hate it so much. i hate being myself i hate doing everything i do, i just want to be happy and normal. i dont want to have to explain to everyone why im like this, why im crying randomly, why im always mad irritated or upset. i dont want to explain to anyone why im like the way i am or how my childhood effected me i to the person i am now. Im trying to leave everything behind me and let my past go. i cant let go of my past, i dont want to leave a part of my past behind because it helped me understand why i was like that.. but its taking so much out of me, everyday my thoughts are loud and sometimes i cant even hold them back. My thoughts are loud enough for me to start talking to myself everyday, or i daydream for the whole day with scenarios of things that could happen. When i sleep my head is still making noise making it hard to sleep or calm down. I cant relax without having my body thinking my gaurd is down and i immediately go back into alert. i want to get through my life without being on alert.. Its fine to be alert but im always on fight or flight or freeze. Anything thats slightly off and causes me to feel anxious makes me alert for days. or when i think about my mommy, i end up blaming myself for things i couldnt understand or control.
stuck helm
Unfortunately, we have memory and the past will always, to some extent, be part of us. At the same time, it doesn’t mean you have to completely latch onto the past exclusively. It’s a bit of both rather than a one or the other, a compromise if you will