idk what to do anymore

[deft viper]

this is probably gonna be just long vent hopping from topic to topic. I dont know what to do anymore genuinely. My social anxiety is so bad I physically cant make any friends because I will throw up and start having a panic attack when teachers have me work together with other students in class and neither of my friends are in any of my classes so im alone literally all day besides lunch. I always feel like people are staring at me, judging me for the way I look, the way I talk, the way I dress, my weight, everything about me. I've literally started seeing bugs crawling on the walls that aren't really there. Im no longer clean of self harm, I did it again. I've had depression since 3rd grade and im currently in 9th. When I was in 6th grade a teacher saw my cuts and the councilor talked to me and then my parents about it. My mom acted like she cared just to forget in not even a week, my dad immediately blamed it on video games, and the councilor emailed my parents multiple times about possible therapy options yet they ignored every single email. I've gotten worse and worse since then and I find everything about me a flaw. I dont even have my own personality anymore. I just adapt to how people around me act and basically copy how they act so people with maybe like me but it never works, and I cant be myself because I dont even know what it means to be myself anymore. I cant even keep a solid relationship. I've been in almost 14 relationships in the past 3 years because I either distance myself because I feel like I know them just for them to become a different person once we start dating or they just stop talking to me and never tell me why. I started dating my girlfriend about a month ago. We've been friends for 4 years and yet she hasn't talked to me since we started dating. I assume shes busy, but I feel like im doing everything wrong. I just dont know what to do. I hate myself and everything about me, i literally dont even feel human. I just dont know anymore ☹️

[oak spoke]

That’s really difficult. I’m sorry that you’re going through that. It’s hard sometimes to always be trying to copy the behaviours of others to not stand out and to avoid stirring the pot, do you have some close friends or a safe space where you live?

I know you said your parents didn’t provide a good environment to get help for your feelings, do you have someone at school (a councillor or teacher) who you could talk to to get help in class. They could give you accommodations so you could work in smaller groups, or take breaks, or work alone. I know these won’t 100% fix everything right away, but it may be good to have a responsible adult you can turn to at school that can help you when you need it.

Do you need someone to listen to you talk, because I can do that, I’m not sure if anything I said will be of any help, but I can listen to what you need to get off your chest

[oak spoke]

Hey, just checking in to see how you’re doing, want to make sure you’re safe

[deft viper]

doing a bit better cuz im hanging out with friends

thanks for asking tho