#Confusion (trans)

58 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

compact niche
#

i hate,absolutely hate being a guy. the naturally testosterone producing body i've born with feels like jail. i hate all the things testoserone gave until HRT,i didnt seek help from a psychiatrist neither an endocrinologist. just started DIY HRT as soon as i'm 18. it was never about gender. i hated how i look,i hated everyting that is masculine or male-related.i hated how people look at me and say this is a guy. but i dont get extremely excited when people sometimes mistake me for a girl since i'm passing a bit. but it's not like "YAAAAAY THEY THOUGHT I'M A CIS GIRL" i'm more like "oh f/cking thank god they dont think i'm a disgusting cis man and i actually show my age" and i dont know what's wrong with me i completely deny my male body and other features and dont fully like being a transgirl i dont know wtf i am but if given the option i would %50000 choose being a girl.

quaint plinth
compact niche
#

8 months ago

#

i became 18 at 19.06.2024 and started HRT at 19.01.2025 so i'm now 19 and been on hormones for 8 months and i somewhat pass even though 7-8 months arent usually enough for passing

quaint plinth
compact niche
#

teenage years

#

around 13-14 it started,appeased my own feelings at 15-16 and at 17-18 i openly hated being a guy. and what i hate about being a guy is not being a guy itself. i hate the disgusting things you learn from other guys,being praised in a patriarchal society made me feel so uncomfortable and unlawfully stronger. and of course physical traits. masculine face,facial hair,thicker eyebrows,hairline and general hair health decreasing with time,thicker voice,strenth. I DID NOT WANT ANY SINGLE OF IT AND I HATE ALL OF IT

#

i was always that weird emo kid who always shave facial hair full clean everyday,long hair and baggy clothes and "guyliner" because looking slightly more androgynous was a blessing for me but once i entered 17 i noticed that how much hair i was losing and how my facial hair started to leave shadow behind after shaving and i was already struggling with eating disorders

#

so the summer i became 17 i gained around 20-25kg's

#

and i stood around that until hrt

compact niche
#

and i didnt know that i could supress testosterone

#

which was my dream

#

like really,i was calling testosterone POISON

#

i was using DHT blockers thinking they're the only option and then an idea popped in my mind. then i asked chatgpt about how can i block testosterone completely,and then i learned about hrt,then i researched about where can i buy hormone drugs in my country and their prices

#

so i started hrt at around mid january 2025

#

but if i knew about HRT earlier i would probably start at 16-17

#

i was like so clueless thanks to me isolating myself from everything instead of coming out

#

HRT LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE

#

i lost nearly 32 kilograms. feel much more happier in my body,appreciate how my past masculine traits become naturally androgynous now and if i were to feminize more,which i'll probably do i'll be going to cut my hair shorther and enter the tomboy phase

quaint plinth
#

wow, what a journey, I can't imagine the pain you've been through, and I'm glad you're okay

#

sincerely

#

so what is your confusion?

compact niche
#

i clearly dont identify as a guy

#

but struggling to COMPLETELY identify as a girl

#

like,yeah i would definitely want to be born a girl but

#

it's like,preferring being a girl rather than guy but not fully identifying as a girl

#

it feels more like styling choice

quaint plinth
compact niche
#

how

quaint plinth
#

is it about people only recognizing you as a girl?

quaint plinth
quaint plinth
compact niche
#

i wrote so a very long text but

#

rule bot keeps saying it contains bad words

#

and i couldnt fix it no matter how much censor

#

so uh,i asked ai if what i wrote can be rewritten for a discord server's safety rules

#

it's basically

#

A close friend from before HRT kept calling me a "femboy" despite me saying I identify as a girl. They gave gifts and acted partner-like, but later crossed serious boundaries during a sleepover. It left me feeling shaken, numb, and confused—especially since opening up to family didn’t bring the support I hoped for. Their reaction made me question myself unfairly

#

Between this and waiting for university updates (10 days feel endless), everything feels overwhelming. Some days I’m overstimulated; other times totally numb. Small things—like crying during movies—remind me how raw everything feels right now. Summer just stretches it all out unbearably...

#

Now i feel disgusted from men,and feel so confused about being a transbian. i trust women so much while being afraid from men. so i feel safer with women but i'm not sure i live the true feelings of a lesbian,because only way to learn a feeling is experiencing it and it feels like that's someting only a cis woman can experience

#

i dont know if you watched Speak(2004)

quaint plinth
#

no I haven't

compact niche
#

i cried the entire time watching it because it was unbearably relatable

#

the way main character girl hides herself from the world and keeps watching the guy who harassed her enjoy with her own ex-bestfriends while dealing with school stuff

#

i understood everyting i saw and heard there

#

i felt it,so i cried

#

and that was a relief,because i needed to cry for a long time

#

but the message of that movie was to communicate,and i still cant

#

i can send you the uncensored text from DM if you want

#

the "safe version" is like %10 of the stuff i wrote

quaint plinth
#

ok, if you're comfortable with that

compact niche
#

i need

#

to vent

#

to tell someone and search for understanding

quaint plinth
#

of course

compact niche
#

it makes me feel like i cant breathe