Me again chat tw sh,Sa,Ed again 💔

[hollow cosmos]

I lost my girlfriend to suicide recently. My mental health completely ruined. Two people I know are a few wrong things happening until they attempt,I know I can't help them.i want to help them I just can't. I comfort them,give them reasons not to do I hope that is helping. I'm barely staying afloat as it is. I've been making myself sick more often. I've been self harming more often and worse. I don't even deserve help though. I'm a shit kid.shit student. Shit friend,I treat my friends like shit after one small thing triggering me.
I'm using this servers vent thing because I don't want people I know seeing this. Everyone would be happy without me being around. They wouldn't have to worry about me overthinking the smallest thing. Smallest things triggering panic/anxiety attacks. Wouldn't have to deal with me when I feel her hands on me all over again (I got Sa'd.) . When I snap at people over nothing. wouldn't have to worry about my mental health,or my self harm. Having to keep me busy when I get bad mentally. Wouldn't have to deal with me texting them late at night when I get bad. They'd be better off without me. I've been struggling with really shit anxiety since I was like 8 I think and just overall bad mental health since I was 11-12 so a good while. Earlier when I was taking my medication and I just stared at the medicine cabinet debating if I Od.
It'd be selfish. I'm supposed to help my friends.be the therapist. Just look after everyone,make sure everything goes well. I'm supposed Wake up in the middle of the night to comfort someone. Not them waking up in the morning finding out I committed. I can't have anyone blaming themselves. I deserve all the shit happening to me. My mental health declining? I deserve it. My friends leaving? I deserve it. My family not paying attention to me? I deserve it. My parents barely home? Deserve it. My siblings not really Caring about me?? I definitely deserve that. It's my fault. I should be a better kid,get good grades

Im trying my best but no one seems to notice. I just need someone to tell me "hey your actually trying your best,I'm proud of you,good job" probably won't happen cuz I'm a shit person tbh

I found someone who cared about me ,loved me,treated me like I was the most precious thing in the world,I didn't notice she wasn't okay,

Now its way to late

I kinda wanna clean my room so my family has less stuff to do when just incase,if I'm being honest I'm way past my breaking point. I feel bad if I do anything

I barely attend school but when I do I skip classes

I'm failing classes

My friends make jokes about my body /weight (they don't mean it whatsoever) but here I am starving myself,and making myself sick

Sorry!!

[covert tree]

Look, I know it seems tough. But their mental health isn't your responsibility. Yes helping is a good thing but if they won't listen don't say it's not your fault. You're your own person. Also, starving yourself isn't ok eat properly idgaf if you say ur fat get fatter. Don't make ur self sick your a human to you don't deserve that. Don't od just take the rq amount and focus on everything else. Don't be the therapist, get a therapist theirs professionals for a reason people shouldn't use their friends to make them feel better. Lastly don't commit you may be in a dark time but clouds dont last forever they die down eventually

Oh and the assaulter is a fucker who can die in a ditch

Anyone who does something as sick as that doesn't deserve to live

Also overthinking just means you give enough shits for yourself

Who cares what other ppl think?

Contact me if you need me @hollow cosmos

[hollow cosmos]

You don't mind if I dm you?

[covert tree]

Nope that's fine