#Tw: Self hate, Thoughts of SH, Body dysphoria

25 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

worn ice
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I genuinely hate life so much right now. I'm constantly overwhelmed, I'm constantly upset, angry, confused, and a bunch of other emotions I don't even know how to describe.

I hate my body, I hate having reproductive organs, I hate being in a human body. It all sucks. I've thought about ending my life multiple times, but I'm too much of a coward. I don't know what it's like in the afterlife. Sometimes I hope it's peaceful, but other times I get scared. I don't know what to do.

I vented to my friends earlier about how I was angry, but then felt like crap because they shouldn't have to hear about my problems. One of my other friends talked about harming themself, so now I'm constantly worried something will happen to them. It feels like there's a weight getting heavier on my shoulders every time I wake up. I feel completely alone. I hate existing so much. My paranoia and anxiety has been getting worse, I can barely think logically at this point.

I keep figuring out more things about my identity and I know I'll be shamed and insulted because of it. I just want to escape and I don't know how.

Not to mention that my home life sucks.

I'm not sure if talking about this is against the rules or not. If it is, I'm sorry. I'll get in trouble if I talk to a helpline. I'm not even allowed to see a therapist.

merry orchid
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While I can’t really say much regarding the body dysphoria, I’ll try my best for the other topics.

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First off, regarding the venting, you have no need to feel guilty about it. At the end of the day they are there to help you, that is what friends are for, even if it’s just lending an ear. At the same time, some people may not be comfortable with that which can be understandable but hopefully, if that person had an issue with you venting, they would tell you so.

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Regarding helping others, it shows that you’re a kind person and a friend. At the same time, you should never feel that their issues eclipse your own. Just think, I’m sure your friend doesn’t want you to be suffering, so you should only help if you have the capacity to do so. Keep in mind help can also come in small forms. Just as someone listened to you venting, you can listen to someone else vent. It may not seem like you’re fixing everything, but so long as you care about your other friend, that’s all that matters. Again though, it sounds like you have a ton weighing on you already, so I’d focus on that and only take on another’s issues if you feel fully capable of doing so

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Regarding the feeling alone, you just mentioned two friends no? As someone who also feels lonely but has a few friends, I know it can sometimes seem like nothing, but it’s something, small maybe, but something. And something also hold the potential to become more. Also there are plenty of people here who I am sure would be willing to be your friend. I know I am!

worn ice
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I honestly don't really know how to feel at this point, I don't even know how to respond.

I feel selfish for wanting to end my life and complaining, y'know? So many others have worse problems and my friends would miss me.

worn ice
merry orchid
worn ice
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My memory has been getting worse lately, so having friends isn't an option if I'll most likely forget them

I've been feeling too overwhelmed lately anyways

worn ice
merry orchid
merry orchid
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Also, I just wanted to say I’m sorry you have to be in such a shitty environment. The fact that people won’t accept a fellow human being for who they are is just… wow.

worn ice
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I've always heard people say to not compare your problems to others, but I usually do either way. I don't even follow my own advice

Also it's the friends online that I least remember. I've also forgotten people I've known from school as well, but that was before I moved states

worn ice
merry orchid
worn ice
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I'll try, I'm not sure if it'll succeed. Advice hasn't really been working for me lately. I don't know why

merry orchid
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Anyways, gtg now but I’ll make sure to check in on you later

worn ice
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Be safe 🫂

regal dawn
# worn ice I honestly don't really know how to feel at this point, I don't even know how to...

it is not selfish.
that desire is a cry for help.
you´re done with everything, something needs to change, but you couldn´t change any of the things that need to change.
if I recall correctly, for me, it was looking in the mirror that caused those thoughts.
I was stressed, I couldn´t enjoy anything, etc.
something had to change, but those things weren´t in my control, so my mind started looking for the next best thing.
I´m just gonna use ||this|| on the rest of it because it´s depressing and kinda venting.
||things did eventually start changing but only for the worse, so the desire got much worse too. I hated myself, and the hate, and all those things, and I couldn´t point that hate outwards.||
||I was hanging by a thread. I really thought about... tying a noose or something. I didn´t want to want that, so I kind of tried the last thing I could. instead of just bashing it into my head how useless, unlovable and beyond saving I am, I asked myself what I wasn´t.||
||I wasn´t fine, I knew that much. I was also not happy with my body, voice and such.||
||then I asked myself the most important thing I could have asked: am I, maybe, just maybe, not clinically depressed? is there a chance it´s not something that´s wrong with me?||
||then: if I´m not depressed or such, what could I be? I feel like shit, I hate my body... wait.||
that´s how I started really looking into whether or not I was trans.
turns out I am.
I still can´t look in the mirror, but at least I can fix it.
at least ||I don´t want do die anymore||, even if I still want to tear my skin off sometimes.
at long last, I have some words for what I feel: dysphoria.
it´s different, it still sucks, but not as much.

well...
I guess my old self kinda got what he wanted?
he´s no longer here.
he´s no longer in pain.
now I´m in pain sometimes, but I´m happy.
partially because I can just be me, partially because I helped somebody, partially because of all of the amazing people in this community.

worn ice
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I'm sorry that you went through all of that, it sounds like it was miserable. I'm incredibly glad that you figured out your identity and that you're doing better. Life sucks a lot sometimes 🫂

regal dawn
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yeah...
thank you.

the point of that message started as just saying it´s not selfish, but it reminded me of my experience.
I hope I got the original message across: you don´t really want to die, you need things to change, and you need help changing things.
I can´t do much more to help than listen and try to comfort you, but I´d do anything to help you if I could.

worn ice
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I understand what you meant, but I figured I should've comforted you first. You dealt with a lot.

I wish I knew how to change things, but there's really not much I can change. I just have to let time go by and hope that I can escape. It sucks a lot. I can't wait until I'm legally allowed to move out. I feel like everything would be so much better