I sound insane. Maybe I am. Does it matter?

[potent moat]

||Nothing is like real and I just am so fucking tired of it. Like what do you mean I’m supposed to be paying attention? I can’t even understand English. My brain isn’t even on. I’m not even absorbing anything. Like genuinely, what if I’m in a psychosis or something? What if it gets so bad to the point where I end up hurting someone? Or killing them? Just because I can’t tell is something’s real and I just don’t know. And it’s so awful and my mom told me the last time I talked to her about this (which was like the third time I talked to her about it in general [once when I was like six or seven, once when I was about twelve, and a couple months ago]) that they’d put me on anti-psychotics if I talked about it. Like am I actually insane? Am I actually crazy? ||

||Nothing is fucking real oh my god. Time is too slow and fast and I hate this hate this hate this. I can’t even feel anything in relation to my body. Pain. Tiredness. Dehydration. Hunger. I only can tell once it’s an audible or visible probably. Like I can hear if I’m hungry if my stomach rumbles. I can hear when I’m thirsty if my voice gets raspy. I only know when I’m tired once my brain shuts off without warning. I can only tell if I’m in pain if I’ve bruised or I’m bleeding. I hate this so so so so much. ||

||Lights fucking imprint on my eyes and I see colors that aren’t there or it just looks staticy like it’s moving. And when people talk I can barely understand them because I am just so fucking disconnected. It’s been since the beginning of June. Why does this go on for months? I just want to be grounded. I just want to be real. I want to exist as more than an idea to myself.||

||But what if I’m not real? Or what if I’m psycho? And some doctor in Sweden is observing me in a mental hospital and monitoring my brain waves because I’m so so so so fucking insane and crazy that they can’t pull me back?||

||I hate not knowing if I’m real.||

||And more than that, there are people in my head that aren't me. See? Insane. Insane. And when I can't control me, they do. They act like me, but different. And I hate this so so so so so so much. Because does my body even need me if it doesn't need me to be put into action?||

||I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I want help. I need help. I can't get help. I'm trapped with these brain-people that comment on everything I say or do. Shut up, I need peace and quiet for once, and I wish my body was my own. I wish I could remember who the fuck I am more than 20% of the time because I forget the most basic shit about myself. My likes and dislikes, my favorite colors, my favorite anime, favorite people, etc. etc. How can I not remember any of that stuff most of the time? It makes NO SENSE! I just need the drip to stop so I can chill out and think for a couple of minutes without feeling insane.||

||This goes on for too long. I don't feel real for too long. I only feel real in 2 week-1 month intervals. I was disassociated from October to December. Then from January to May. And now from June to right now. I want help. I need help. I can't deal with this anymore. Because what's the point of living if I'm not even real? What's the point of anything if I'm not even needed to run my own body? What's the point of my life? I hardly ever feel real.||

[covert night]

you´re questioning it.
there´s something questioning, and something questioned.

[potent moat]

Questioning what?

[covert night]

your existence.

I know the feeling of not being in the room I´m looking around in.
what you´re experiencing is not normal.
ask for medicine, or get it yourself.
you need it.

[potent moat]

I can't ask for help though. I tried. And everyone told me to shut up, so I guess I have to figure this out myself??? But I don't know how. The longer my disassociation goes on, the worse it gets. I bet by the middle of this month, I won't be able to form coherent thoughts

Even when I'm reading, in the middle of reading, I just go into gibberish because I just can't think. It's so heavy.

||I have felt like this since before I was seven years old. Seven. And I have always been brushed off by the adults in my life. And even not the adults in my life. I mentioned it when I was seven to my mom, and she didn't do anything. Then again when I was twelve. And then again a couple months ago where she told me not to talk about it, othewise I'd be put on anti-psychotics. I mentioned that I might have anxiety to my dad, and he said that because he's a doctor, he's seen people that actually have anxiety, and it's not me. I have mentioned slight stress to my oldest sister, and she said I can't possibly be stressed and that she has it way worse than me, so I should shut up. I talked to my other older sister, and she's studying to be a psychologist, and she said that I'm overdramatic and have a victim complex. I talked to my younger sister, and she said to seek adult help. How the fuck am I to do that when everyone brushes me off? And my younger brother is too young to talk to about this...||

[covert night]

if they´re telling you to shut up, don´t talk to them anymore.
try to get out of there, at least for a while.
something is wrong, you need help, you deserve help, if it´s not given to you, take it

[potent moat]

What about when I go to college? It's in a year, but they have free mental health services....

[covert night]

I wouldn´t recommend those mental health services
they can be good, but usally aren´t
if you need help, try to get it as soon as possible

[potent moat]

But how? I'm not an adult, I don't have my own money, and since I'm on my parents' insurance, they'll know about whatever mental health services I try to get...

[covert night]

if they confront you, tell them you did try to get that help, and that you do in fact need it.

the best way to get help is to be a nuisance.
don´t let them brush you off.

[potent moat]

But they have enough to deal with...

[covert night]

even if your parents are dealing with a lot of stuff, you should be among their highest priorities.

[potent moat]

But I never get into trouble, I don't need the attention when my other four siblings are getting into trouble or doing something that needs a ton of attention

[covert night]

signing you up for therapy isn´t much trouble.
tell them that, and tell them not signing you up will cause them more trouble.
you need attention too.

[potent moat]

But the only time I got signed up for therapy, the therapist was awful and invalidated all of my experiences, and after my first session my mom said "it took me a long time to find a therapist that would fit for you, if you don't like her, I can search for another one though" but she made it sound like such a hassle to find one

Are you sure it's easy?

[covert night]

yes.
you might go through ten therapists before you find one that you feel comfortable talking to and tries to understand your experiences.
it doesn´t happen on its own, but it isn´t as hard as she made it sound.

[potent moat]

Should I wait until the newest situation has passed? I mean, it's not immediate that I need therapy...

[covert night]

you should at least immediately start trying to get therapy. in my opinion

[potent moat]

Alright... I'll try

[runic mauve]

yay!

[potent moat]

Thank you for your support

[covert night]

I´m glad to give it

[solid venture]

Dude I’m slowly going insane with the life I currently have . I literally laugh when mad

[potent moat]

Omg, we'll be insane together? Insane buddies?

[covert night]

you also need therapy

I feel like a lot of people here need therapy yesterday