hot prawn
I feel like shit right now.
I´m at the bottom of the hierarchy of needs again - I have zero appetite, I forget to drink, I can´t sleep, and so on
I came out online last week, and I don´t regret it, but I´m overwhelmed with negative emotions
I can´t look in the mirror, I can´t look down, I want to tear my skin off, etc.
I´ve been bottling up my emotions for... I don´t even fucking know how long anymore... a decade?
and now that whole mood shelf is coming down on me
I tried to get help for it, but my family ignored and insulted me, and when I got sent to a psych ward or whatever that pile of shit was, I had a panic attack because I realized all that day 1
I don´t really want to talk about it, but I have to, for my own health...
I always hated my body, and that I hated it, but there was never anybody I could talk to about it, so I... wanted to get rid of it.
get out of this body, out of the world that doesn´t let me change it, etc.
I wanted to kill myself.
I knew it could get better, I knew there were people who could help, but I was in so much pain that it didn´t matter
I realized I wasn´t a guy at some point between then and now, and started looking into HRT
there´s one thing written everywhere: they need to know how much E and T you have in your blood
I get a panic attack or something like it whenever I go to get stuff like that done, but there´s almost no way around it
so all of those thoughts came back...
is there any way to get HRT without a blood test
I know that it changes how my body and brain chemistry work.
I know that taking too much can make me sick
but right now, no part of my body is really working, and getting nothing is also killing me from the inside
I barely have the energy and constitution to type this
I need solutions, or I´m gonna fucking die...
I need help.
I´m begging...
lean ferry