magic ermine
I’m in the vent section too much
But yeah I’m just getting worse and worse. There’s never stress relief and it’s just building up, month after month. I’m in so much mental pain it physically hurts. It burns so bad that nothing calms me down anymore. It feels like my heart isn’t working, I can’t breathe, I not sleeping, my chest is a void, and my stomach constantly feels like throwing up. I realised that I’m at my 2 year sh anniversary which ironically i only started when I got to high school (year/grade 7), you’d think something would’ve changed but I’ve just gotten worse and more unstable and depressed and anxious. There’s a friend of mine that started sh about the same time I did and I’m so jealous she quit and yet it’s still my main coping mechanism. Lately it’s became the only way to make the pain stop.
I know I should just open up to someone irl but I just can’t trust anyone. In the past I’ve had (3) trust worthy friends but all of them left me (as in literally moved schools and cities) and those I hang around now all either hate me but won’t say it to my face (well I don’t know for sure but it makes sense to me) or think I’m a charity case for them to “fix”. but they always get scared when things get real and violent or they end up getting bored of caring about me. I’ve just stopped telling people anything at all. I say I’m doing great and leave it at that. No one cares Im depressed, anxious, ive tried opening up before but nothing good has ever come out of it, in fact most of the time they didn’t even believe me, either that or they’d brush over it and say that they’re going through worse or I’m exaggerating and that they only got 7hours of sleep last night which is clearly that my sa trauma. At least sh is tangible, people cant deny it when it’s physical, though I don’t even show anyone because they wouldn’t care either way.
It’s my fault, at this point I’ve accepted that I’m weak and pathetic. I’m just waiting for death. It’s the only thing I deserve
flint furnace