Probably going to kill myself within the year

[upbeat vault]

I found out my parents were transphobic, I live in Texas, I am struggling to find any sort of job, I can't drive, I can't do anything, I don't want to do any of this anymore, I'll probably come out as trans to my parents and my extended family before I kill myself just because I do not fucking care anymore.

I have screamed into the void multiple times, the void has called my name, I think I just wasn't meant to be happy.

After I get my AA, I'll probably just kill myself

My motivation for getting it now is so I can die faster

I am tired of waiting for a bullshit miracle

[copper rock]

First of all dont fucking do that

[upbeat vault]

You aren't even trans, you have no clue how I feel, shut the fuck up

[copper rock]

Even if its hard rn and i know i could never imagine it there are so many people here who would always support u fuck your family if theyre assholes

[upbeat vault]

Discord users support don't advance you in life

[copper rock]

Sure but it can help u stabilise and find people to talk or vent to when u dont have anyone else

[upbeat vault]

I'M TIRED OF HAVING TO FEEL THIS WAY

I'm tired of having to feel this endless hatred towards everyone and everything to distract me of my hate for myself

My hatred is the only thing that kept me going because I was that spiteful

And now I can't even take the hate I feel towards everyone else anymore

[copper rock]

But why do u hate urself if you dont like the person u are change urself to be better be kind to people and theyll be kind to you

[upbeat vault]

Why should I be kind to anyone

It doesn't benefit me

You know what my life has been like ever since I found out I was trans?

I have only hated

Hated myself, hated the world, hated religions, hated my country, hated my state, hated my country's people, hated the people who "helped" me figure out I was trans, and now, I hate my parents and my family

You don't understand how it feels to have all this hatred and no way to release even one one-thousandth of it but I do.

Actually, I don't, because it is literally unbearable

Do you know what it's like to hate people for being kind to others?

[copper rock]

Ofc it cant completly understand no one can but i have been bullied for probably 90% of my live in school and what helped me get thrugh it was something to distract myself with where none of the people u hate are involved

[upbeat vault]

It's not just people, it's the world, I hate the world

[copper rock]

But how can u generalise 8 billion people ot may seem like the whole world is against you when infact most of the world are normal thinking people like u and me and they will accept you the way u are wich could also help u accept yourself

[upbeat vault]

HI YDHRHREYUDNSJEJDNDYWS NO IIS

Sorry I was laughing

At your joke

[upbeat vault]

Tell another joke Vader.

Wait, Let me guess, you are going to say that not all humans are inherently evil?

Or that there are support groups out there?

Or will you tell me to get therapy?

[copper rock]

Im not making any jokes at all i mean have i not been completly respectful even though your constantly telling me im talking shit and such idgaf how much youre going to make fun of me im not stopping

[upbeat vault]

If you were being serious that's honestly saddening

[copper rock]

I am why wouldnt i be when im in this situation

[upbeat vault]

That's gone from funny to just dickish

[copper rock]

In what way

[finite oyster]

I know I’m not the best talking to people, specially in situations like this but dont do it. You are probably young, and still have a future, but you dont need to do this, and no, the universe is not meant to make you happy. You dont have to wait for a miracle. You can be happy if you want to. You can make the miracle yourself instead of ending it all

[upbeat vault]

I don't know why I even came here, I should have known that I would get BS help

[finite oyster]

And if you dont like the advice here, there’s always the crisis lifelines.

But please, you matter

[upbeat vault]

I understood the universe wouldn't make me happy, but saying "you can be happy if you want to" has the same weight as "don't go to the dentist, just don't get cavities"

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have been trans, I should have just been born happy with my ugly male body.

[copper rock]

Thats not the way it was meant youre supposed to set your mind to something different than hate and to accept who you are and to find someone u want to become

[finite oyster]

I didnt mean that, sorry, my english is still not perfect, and Im not the best at explaining myself. I mean you can make your life happy, you can still change your current situation

[upbeat vault]

Okay then, G-Man, what do I do next?

[regal swan]

do you hate yourself or people

[upbeat vault]

This reads off to me as "Obstacles are easy if you are just able to get what you need"

[upbeat vault]

Both

[regal swan]

what do you hate about yourself

were just gonna q&a

youre not a problem to solve youre a person so i js want you to answer the questions, can you do that?

[upbeat vault]

I hate my stupid fucking body that feels like it wants to tear itself apart every day, I hate how my intelligence leads me to not be able to enjoy anything, I hate how my autism makes it impossible for me to do anything, I hate how I feel like a science experiment, a failed experiment.

If I was a rich, neurotypical, dumb, blonde bimbo then my life would have zero issues, I think

[regal swan]

what are some sensory issues you deal with when it comes to your autism (also would you like to take this out of here and into dms, ik some ppl feel more comfortable)

[upbeat vault]

I can't go to live shows without having issues, I can't interact with people normally and make eye contact, I can't solve problems, I can't do anything

I can't enjoy anything normal people can

I can't even enjoy anything regular queer people can enjoy, I am hopeless

[regal swan]

how do you do with physical touch and with tones, and do you have problems with high or low pitched sounds

[upbeat vault]

I hate loud sounds, I remember I hated being touched but now I just want to be held

[regal swan]

any pressure points on your body that overstimulate you due to it?

[upbeat vault]

Idk, why are you talking to me like an SCP

[regal swan]

its just how i talk

[upbeat vault]

No, you are talking to me like I am some creature in a lab

[regal swan]

i want to know about you before even trying to help. its realistic. assuming you can help a total stranger without knowing anything isnt.

like i wasnt aware you had autism before i asked

thats something someone should know before consulting someone

can i go back to asking questions? these ones dont have anything to due with your autism.

[upbeat vault]

Well, I have autism, I am trans, I have ADHD, and anxiety and depression issues

I have been diagnosed with those

Not trans but everything else I have been

[regal swan]

also good to know things, thank you for letting me know

[upbeat vault]

I'm pretty sure I'm trans

[regal swan]

being trans or any type of queer can cause types of stress or anxiety out of confusion or not feeling accepted or understood

[regal swan]

thats good you feel sure but you never have to feel 100%

[upbeat vault]

Oh yeah? You know how it feels to have spent a fourth of your entire life in the wrong body? 20 whole years? You know how it feels when you see everyone else figuring themselves out at 17, 16, 15, 14 years old? It took me til I was 19, I hate everything.

I can't find friends on discord my age

[regal swan]

i dont. and im sorry i truly am. but i do remember having to feel like i wasnt allowed to love who i loved and being ridiculed because of it. we both have had challenged. some better some way worse. i will never fully understand you. but i want to be here to attempt to help you as a person. can i?

[regal swan]

sounds pretty annoying

[upbeat vault]

You won't help, you can't, it's too late to save me

Go find some rich trans girl to role-play with if you really want to satisfy your savior complex.

[regal swan]

look

[upbeat vault]

There's tons of rich trans girls on this server and in other ones

[regal swan]

im not like amazing at this whole "making you want to live" thing. and i wont be able to because i dont want to either

do i want to try? hell yeah

but you have to let me

i may not succeed

but can i?

[upbeat vault]

Trans academy is a start, VRChat server, everyone there can afford to buy a new VR headset a year, so maybe you should go there to find some rich trans girl to role-play as a princess that needs saving

[regal swan]

well 1

i dont own a heaset

2

helping you does no benefit to me

and 3

i dont like roleplaying games

[upbeat vault]

And? You don't need a headset to go into the discord server

[regal swan]

well id rather help someone who needs it than someone whos snobby and can buy an expensive pair of retina damagers

[sly spruce]

dang, alot of going here

[upbeat vault]

Your pfp is ai generated so I really don't want to hear from you

[sly spruce]

...

I would love to help, but that's kinda rude of you

[regal swan]

real

[finite oyster]

Because you are able to get what you need if you have enough determination and love for yourself, I understand why you’re being rude but it’s really not necessary

[upbeat vault]

I really know you all want to help, but you are just making me more hateful of everything

[regal swan]

do yall not understand what someone goes through with being suicudal? and yall obviously dont know this person. they dont have to care and usually people who are suicidal dont. do not come into a place where they are venting to call them rude. its disrespectful.

[finite oyster]

Its not about not accepting the person. Its about having a minimal respect for the other person thats giving the advice.

Being suicidal or venting doesnt justify being disrespectful.

[upbeat vault]

Obviously you would have the luxury of being happy as a queer person considering your country is so accepting of them, no wonder my country calls yours a dictatorship, this world is fucking awful to any form of kindness and honestly it's more reason for me to kill myself

[sly spruce]

I mean, I did no thing yet, and already got called out because of AI pfp. Like, not every person that has an AI pfp is bad or so. Some of them like me are really caring.
And any of you, my DMs are always open, so you can talk, vent or do whatever thing you wanna admire. I only want the best for you and mean no harm.

[finite oyster]

Oh so now I’m wrong for living on an accepting country?

[upbeat vault]

You are wrong for trying to empathize with someone when you can't

As for me I am genuinely out of sympathy and empathy for the world

I say things that only make sense in my head that I know is twisted, but I don't care

I know I am seriously fucked up

But it really doesn't matter to me when I am going to be dead within the year

[finite oyster]

Im trying to help, which is ok

[upbeat vault]

Maybe those asshats are right, maybe if I was granted love or comfort or any measure of compassion, I wouldn't have ended up so hateful, but unfortunately it's far too little, far too late

[regal swan]

what did u search for when sending your message into here? / genuine

[finite oyster]

You dont have to say that, you decide to make it to the end of the year or not, which you should, you still have a future ahead

[upbeat vault]

I already said I don't know, because I should have known all I was getting was bullshit, maybe I'm just an attention seeking idiot, in which case, more reason to kill myself.

[regal swan]

youre not

you can beleive it

[sly spruce]

I would allow you everything you wanna do to me, I always do that to people who are in this state, just to make them happier or giving them attention or affection to them. Because I hate people seeing that, and saying that it's "too late".
In my view, it's never too late for having love, friendships or any type of affection. You just have to find the right friends and people, which indeed does take time. So, please don't do that

[regal swan]

or not

[upbeat vault]

DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MANY GOD DAMN TIMES I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT I JUST NEED TO FIND THE RIGHT PEOPLE?

You know, I was thinking about a simple overdose, but right now, you are making that knife incredibly enticing.

[sly spruce]

I have the idea. The same happens to me all the time. But I'm still here to give the affection you needed or if you want to talk about it

[sly spruce]

Don't do that

[upbeat vault]

Right now, I don't care, I just want to see blood, I don't really care who's it is, I just want to see someone's flesh get cut up

[regal swan]

respectable

i recommend dexter

[upbeat vault]

It's not as fun when they get caught

[regal swan]

you still get to see alot of blood

i used to cut just to see the blood trickle down

[upbeat vault]

Not to be that girl but dont u think that's a little to much

Sorey for intruding i was lurking

Sorry*

[upbeat vault]

I am fully aware that I am a sick individual

[regal swan]

i second that

[upbeat vault]

I mean to say here in this server

[regal swan]

i offered them dms and they wished to stay here

[upbeat vault]

No Im talking about talking about gore

If u put two straight lines || like this

One at the beginning and end u can make it look like || this ||

Put a tw as well some people are sensitive

Sorry about this message I just worry about the others especially the younger people

Also dont end it not worth it

It wont do anything in the end

[upbeat vault]

"Oh think of the children!" THE CHILDREN CAN FUCK THEMSELVES INTO A DITCH AND DIE

[sly spruce]

I agree to this, not everyone should feel or see that way and get affected by this.

[upbeat vault]

So anger problems?

[regal swan]

i think this is the nosiest vent channele ever

[upbeat vault]

Indeed

[regal swan]

brainiac this one

[upbeat vault]

Ah I see

Have u tried a therapist? Ik people dont have the money ect

But if u do have the support ect it can help

[upbeat vault]

I am already in therapy, I have been for 4 years, it hasn't helped

Have you tried switching to a different therapist?

[regal swan]

i dmd you but idk if u got it, dms?

[upbeat vault]

I am on my 3rd therapist

Therapy wont work if u dont like eachother

I see maybe its the place?

Tell me whats the things you love

[upbeat vault]

Video games, that's really it, I only like them because they distract me

Do u play roblox?

[upbeat vault]

No

What games

Old games, I recently finished Portal 2

That's nice I played portal 2 when I was like 6 ish

[sly spruce]

Portal 2 is a nice game!

[upbeat vault]

I might finish Black Mesa if I remember

Never heard of it

Ps game or xbox?

[sly spruce]

Black Mesa sounds familiar to me

[upbeat vault]

It's a PC game and it's a complete overhaul of Half-Life 1 but done in the source engine

Ah I see

(Half-Life 1 was GoldSrc)

Half life was good

I watched it since I couldn't get it myself

[sly spruce]

I always watched the memes about Half Life

[upbeat vault]

Real

[upbeat vault]

Usually when I boot up base Half-Life 1 I just load into anomalous materials and just

sv_cheats 1
god 1
impulse 101

Just having fun i see i use to use hacks for pokemon yellow

Unlimited master balls and walk through walls

[upbeat vault]

Those are cheat codes in the console.

sv_cheats 1 (turns on cheats)
god 1 (god mode on)
impulse 101 (All weapons, max ammo, HEV suit.)

Seems like fun

Any favorite shows? Anime?

[upbeat vault]

Black Lagoon

Pretty much the only anime I actually enjoy

Haven't seen it yet I have it on my list tho

[sly spruce]

Do any of you guys like to draw or sum?
Because I stopped drawing some time ago

[upbeat vault]

Ion draw im not good at it

I prefer drawing over coloring

[upbeat vault]

Same

[sly spruce]

yeah, is the reason why I stopped, lmao

[upbeat vault]

I like to draw with pencils

But I dont give up cuz if u give up u wont go no where with it its just a waste of potential

[sly spruce]

I'm just taking a break from it, because of my AD(H)D stuff and so

[upbeat vault]

I got adhd too my current hyperfixiation is dragon souls

And dbl

My one dream was that I can make a video game I am proud of.

Probably won't be able to anymore

[sly spruce]

never heard of DBL

[upbeat vault]

Dragon ball legends

[sly spruce]

Ou, that game

[upbeat vault]

I use to make games but stopped cuz I got terminated for cursing someone out

[sly spruce]

Roblox?

[upbeat vault]

Ofc

I got like 30 terminated accounts but I keep coming back

[sly spruce]

damn

[upbeat vault]

I dont make games cuz my pc is like on a string and yeah yk how studios is on phone

[upbeat vault]

Not a thing

[sly spruce]

I really don't get it.
I do some crazy shit on Roblox, but I NEVER get banned or warned about a thing. But, if my friends say stuff like: "Sausage Car" in Car crushers 2, then they get banned for one day or whatever shit TwT

[upbeat vault]

I said hi and got banned for harassment

[sly spruce]

moderation is really non-sense

[upbeat vault]

Real

@upbeat vault if im needed just ping me ok?

Im not asking u to trust me or anything but if u need someone to talk too im here

[sly spruce]

Same for me. I'm most of the time online. This time more, because I have 6 weeks free now

[upbeat vault]

Idk, given the pain is unending nothing really changes.

Once school starts I wont be free from the morning to 5:pm est

[upbeat vault]

Trust me

U will only hold regret

[sly spruce]

Fr, I can tell that by experience, and still get that alot nowadays

[upbeat vault]

I've tried many times and held guilt cuz of making my friends worried with the goodbyes

[sly spruce]

I get that. I have guilt of manipulating my friends on accidents, because they make me go that way on purpose and abuse my feelings with that.

[upbeat vault]

Honestly he only friends i have us one irl and 2 online which are my online daughters

[sly spruce]

ohh, you're like the mother to them?

[upbeat vault]

Yeah (im a horrible parent I can't even take care of myself)

I just learned how to do laundry a week ago

[sly spruce]

Lol, but you will learn :>

[upbeat vault]

If I die I won't feel regret because there will be nothing to feel

[upbeat vault]

Please?

[fossil solstice]

Perhaps it’s not the right thing to say here, but I can’t get it out of my mind after reading this thread.

I can’t get past how you came here—presumably to seek help or at least talk to someone—and then proceeded to demean and berate every single person who has attempted to speak with you. Many of your arguments included attacking them because they aren’t experiencing your exact situation. You’ve asked others how they can empathize with you when you’re in a different situation, yet the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes in order to feel for them is exactly what empathy is.

I am not, however, suggesting that you do not seek help or that you go through with your attempt. You should not go through with it, especially before you see yourself become the person you want to be—the person you really are. You deserve to become outwardly the person you are inside. Ripping that chance away from yourself will leave you with regret.

[upbeat vault]

Do you honestly think the dead feel regret? When we die, we go to the void, there is nothing, there is no regret in death because there is nothing to feel in death, even now, I don't have any regrets unless before I was born I said "Yes, I want to be a transgirlfailure with transphobic parents and not be able to figure out who I am until 1/4th of my life is over.

Actually I do have a regret right now, asking for help at all

[warm pelican]

Do you want to hear the truth? Life is shitty. People are going to ruin you until you feel like theres nothing left. I spent years of my life searching for a reason to live, for a reason to exist, but you're not going to find anything. You know what you need to do? Keep going through therapists until someone understands. Take medication for months even if it doesnt help, and beg to switch when it's unbearable. Do you actually want to fix this? You have to dig yourself out of it. You have to go through the shit first. If you're not willing to do that, if you're willing to throw it all away because the healing is too difficult for you, that's your choice. But its a stupid one.

I might not understand half the shit you go through, but I've gone through Hell in my own way, and I've healed from my depression. And that's what the truth is.