Tw: mentions/strong implications/talk about or of ||suicide(& suicidal ideation), cutting, eating disorders, homocide, depression|| and genuine hatred for myself/my mother
#Another I hate my mom post bc she sucks that much
ionic delta
ionic delta
So like... I genuinely cannot do this anymore. It took a bit to get out of the band hall, and I understand that she's angry. But she was so inconsiderate, even after me explaining that I only took that long because the band has a lot of kids and not only that, I was helping my section put up our huge ass instruments and then we had to get the water jugs we need for band. And, like I said, it took a bit because of the sheer size of the band. I don't like waiting another 20-30 fucking minutes, and I understand her. She doesn't have to yell at me and then threaten to take everything away. Because she "pays for everything and can take it away in a snap" (P.S., she didn't pay for my band stuff. My dad did) or something. I'm so fucking close to ||relapsing.|| I wish I could just ||kill myself|| or better yet her and then blame it on her. Say it was her fault, that she caused it. Maybe then she wouldn't be so inconsiderate. Maybe then she'd realize what the fuck is wrong with her. I'm seriously considering it. I'm considering writing a last note and telling her about all of her faults. She never listens. She doesn't care(or at least it doesn't feel like it). She's fucking idiotic and pathetic and can never once be nice to HER OWN DAUGHTER. She never tries to understand me. I fucking despise her. You don't know how many times I said "she wouldn't react this way if I was ||bleeding out or skin and bones||" because that is genuinely the only way I'd feel loved. She only loves because it's her job. Only cares about and raised me because it's her job. I wish she'd just ||fucking die.|| I hate her. I wish she was ||dead.||
ionic delta
no it's alright. She's just... a lot to take care of and my words just spill out
worn heron
It's okay that happens with evreyone sometimes
ionic delta
You don't necessarily need to say anything about it if you cant think of any comfort. I understnad
ionic delta
Yeah but sometimes you dont have to
As someone who's still a child as well, it'd be best if you don't burn yourself out on helping everyone else
worn heron
Thanks for the advice
ionic delta
mhm:)
(to continue with my vent)
I really wish she just did not exist. Not even in an ||I want to kill her|| way. Just in a I wish I had a different mom way. I just want her to be kinder and she just can't. She complains about me being spoiled but she's the one that let me join band. She lets me do the stuff I do. If she didn't, I wouldn't have as many problems. I don't fucking understand her. She lets me do stuff and yet gets mad at me when she, as the parent, needs to put in effort. As if I didn't fucking already tell her. She's just bad at being a mom. It physically ticks me off when she doesn't hear something I said, when she doesn't listen to me. When I try to talk and explain and she just yells at me. As if I'm speaking fucking german.
worn heron
She's a bitch
Honestly
She is probably the wort person I met if you have that description
tawny merlin
Your mom is actually so similar to my dad..
I feel sorry for you, hopefully you can get out of that situation.
worn heron
Wait similar to your dad?
lusty widget
Evey child deserves a parent not every parent deserves a child
ionic delta
Hi so I'm back. I can't fucking take this anymore. There will be very present talk of ||suicide and self harm||, and maybe something about ||eating disorders|| this time. I'm gonna blur the whole thing out.
||I genuinely cannot fucking do this anymore. My mom hates me and I'm convinced that if I killed myself she would be happy. She doesn't care. She would never care. I could drop dead in the middle of a fucking rehearsal and her only goddamn concern would be theedical bill afterwards. She doesn't want me here. It's obvious that she fucking hates me. It's obvious that she doesn't care about me anymore. She never will again. The last time she cared about me was when she found out I was cutting myself. And even then it was barely, if at all. She cried, yeah. But from that moment on she NEVER fucking cared. She doesn't know how to be a parent and it's so annoying. I'm so close to bringing blades to rehearsals and hiding in the bathroom and just slitting my wrists. Cutting myself deep enough to bleed out and die. It'd be a lot better. A lot better than being her daughter. I'm genuinely considering just not going to band rehearsals. I dont think I can. I don't think I can sit there and be criticized for every little thing and not break down infront of everyone in that band hall. I cant do anything right so it would just make everyone more angry at me. I fucking hate myself. I want to be dead.||
idk if I'm gonan respons, we have rehearsals today so dont fret if I don't respond to your comfort