Am I hallucinating (tw for mentions of d3ath!)

[rough flame]

So a few days ago I decided to take a break from social media for my mental health, and it’s all because I am 99.99% sure I either hallucinated I died or that I genuinely think I am a copy of myself.

To give some context, a few years back I went on a trip to camp by a river with a few close friends and their parents. Everything was fine up until around the third day when we went to the rapids area of the river. They had been gone for a while, so I walked along the riverbed to see if their float was coming soon. Except I don’t really remember very much after that. I don’t know if I slipped and hit my head, or if what I’m about to say actually happened.

I had a very bad dissociative episode a few days ago and became convinced I had died in the river. Except it wasn’t a normal disassociation or hallucination which I get sometimes from my insomnia. It was like those moments when it’s really quiet and your entire brain suddenly because aware of itself all at once. I hate to sound crazy, but it felt like the sensation of me dying was, well, real. I distinctly remember the sensation of death. Not just silence or darkness or whatever, but a complete absence of being.

From there it spiraled to me questioning my own existence. Like, am I me? Or am I a copy of myself after that happened?

I know it sounds insane, and to be honest I think I am starting to lose grasp on reality. I know nobody here is a licensed professional, but if anyone has any suggestion at all of actions I should take I will gladly hear them out. I’m scared of what’s happening to my mind, and most of all, I’m scared that it’s not my mind to begin with.

I also feel that it’s important to mention I am not on any medicines and do not have any family history of schizophrenia. So I really don’t know at this point

[potent cosmos]

so to my eyes you are definitely not dead and I don’t think you are an other one but that’s only from my point of vue so I think you could do some research, maybe someone already dealt with the same experience, and I don’t know if you see a therapist but if you don’t you should definitely do that

a lot of philosophers asked themselves those kind of question (am I me or things like that) maybe you could look it up

[rough flame]

I guess but it isn’t really a question, I’m genuinely convinced I died in that river just because of how real the memory of it is. I genuinely remember feeling a complete lack of existence. As for therapy, I think I might try that.

[potent cosmos]

maybe you died that’s possible, there’s multiple kind of death that you can come back from

[potent cosmos]

I don’t know if it’s ok to ask this (if you don’t want to answer it’s fine) how did it feel, like what do you remember from nothingness?

[rough flame]

I don’t know how to describe it other than a complete lack of existence. I felt like I was outside of my body altogether. I couldn’t move anything, couldn’t feel anything, my senses were gone. I just knew I didn’t exist anymore

I sound crazy 😔

[potent cosmos]

it doesn’t sound crazy at all far from that

do you feel different, like you don’t know yourself anymore, changes in how you live your life, how you think, etc… ?

[rough flame]

yeah a little bit, I feel like someone else in my own body

[potent cosmos]

do you do things you wouldn’t have done before?

[rough flame]

No, my routine is the same for the most part

That’s why it’s so confusing and scary