TW: Neglect

[faint aurora]

Watching my brother eat freely makes me jealous.. Like why do you get to buy food and cook it yourself? Why does he go out and get you food? Why do I have to work and lie around hungry and clutching my stomach?

I’m happy to be able to eat fast food when I should be eating healthy balanced meals.. but he wastes all our money on weed so it’s been years since I’ve had a greenbean, let alone a salad.

“You can’t have a smoothie! That’s not food!” It’s better than dog-piling down burgers to fill my stomach that’s been starving for days, just to get sick hours later. I should be gaining weight, I should be growing like everyone else, why am I not?

I’ve been sitting between 100 and 125 pounds since 7.. living off of whatever I can find in my house. Yet my siblings can come over and eat WHATEVER they want, he’ll go 100 miles to get them a bunch of healthy foods but if I ask for something it’s “not a meal” or “too far away” or “we don’t have the money”.

[crimson wolf]

hello alexi! i wanna try to help.. do you know why it's like that?

[faint aurora]

Why what’s like what?

[crimson wolf]

i've never been in that specific situation, sorry if it seems stupid, but is there any possible disorder your parents have or anything else, cuz it's not not normal to do that as parents

[faint aurora]

My dad has ODC and BPD and he refuses to take his medication, my mom probably has something but I don’t know, she’s never been tested.

She at least feeds me when she’s around but recently she hasn’t been going out to get food so I’ve been hungry.

[faint aurora]

I’m so hungry and everything hurts.. I’ve lost the energy to get up and I’m getting exhausted just typing this. I wanna do something, go places, but all I can do is lay in my bed and sleep.

All I’ve been doing is sleeping, I don’t drink water anymore or take care of myself.. I go downstairs, beg for food until they feed me, scarf it down, then I sleep. Sometimes I’ll do something else but it takes me hours to actually do.

I can’t take my meds anymore because they just make me sick.. I’m rotting in this room and it’s getting to me.

I act like everything is fine so people don’t worry but it’s getting worse.. I can’t keep acting like I’m not suffering in this damned house. I don’t talk about the bad stuff cause then people pity me, I don’t want pity, I want out.

I want food.

I want to see the sun and clouds like everyone else, I want to be able to walk downtown and go shopping.. I want to be able to sit outside and just watch the birds.

But I’m stuck in this room staring at the ceiling just imagining that I’ll one day do it.

I want out of this house.

I’m tired of staring at these stupid blue and white walls, looking outside at all of the trees wishing that one day, maybe, I’ll be able to climb them.. that’s if I even have the muscles or energy to do it.

But it’s whatever, it’s just a stupid wish.