I fucking hate myself. I'm failing in life, having breakdowns all the time, and my friend group is falling apart. I can't help but my jokes at my expense, like "haha I'm so dumb guys I'm failing latin" but I'm genuinely so scared of being in a class next year without them (my school is small and high-school latin is optional so we're all in the same class)
At the same time, I always want to cut all ties with my friends, most of them are really sweet, funny, and kind people.. and I'm not. I'm a horrible person and no damn therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist helps (I've been to all of them, sometimes multiple of each). I compulsively lie for no reason, making relationships complicated and strained, I act lowkey parasocial to some friends (usually one at a time and becoming obsessed with them), and no matter how kind I act I just feel so impure. The psychiatrists already put me as ASD/ADHD, MDD, OCD, and a bunch of anxiety disorders, and they say I have Bipolar but I can't be medicated for that until I'm an adult. I hate myself so much, I just cleaned my room and it already looks like a hoarder lives in there, I can't fucking control my thoughts or emotions or even my words. I don't deserve the friends I have, I've hurt them and lied to them and half the time they don't even realize. I try so hard to be supportive to them and I think I am being kind, but it's so hard to maintain that. I've attempted suicide multiple times before, even dating back to when i was 4 years old, and I don't think I could stand another year of school.
#Rant :[ (TW: suicide)
obtuse jay
The only thing keeping me from committing now is the one friend that I'm close to and feel like I can trust, but they've been in residential treatment for an ED for like three months now. They're supposed to get out in less than a week and I don't want to make them sad by doing it but every day that I exist feels harder and harder. I care about him to the point of obsession and I feel awful for it. I wish I was a better person, but improvement just seems so impossible.
wintry yacht
pls don't someone will care if you commit i promise