crimson briar
I feel like i wasn't born to be loved. I often feel that way because of my family relationships, friendships, and even lovers, feels like there's no feeling of love that goes well. I started to wonder if it was all my fault? I shouldn't have longed for any love. And now, I'm afraid to love and be loved. It feels like a lie and destruction will follow. So far, i don't see anyone who has the potential to truly love me nor do i feel like i love them. I started to think, is my heart hardened? Even though i'm someone who doesn't hesitate to show love.
My old bestie said i look different, not as alive as i used to. Even my smile seemed forced and my gentleness felt questionable. Not only that, they said i was different. I was like an aggressive, wild animal. I seemed undisturbed and didn't want anyone or anything i loved to be disturbed in the slightest. In fact, my behavior and speech were completely different from how i used to be. I think they were truly uncomfortable with my change. But, i can't control myself like before, because the situation is different from before. All this pressure is torturing me but i don't know where to go to escape from this torture.
It was so hard that i tried to commit suicid3 at the end of last month. I had a fight with my other self. My other self reported my plans to my closest friends. As a result, that night, one of my friends broke down my boarding house door. She saved me when i was really about to die. And my other friends were crying because they saw me in a mess, wanting to die. Seeing them cry, it moved my heart to cry in front of them (until now, i have found it difficult to cry, especially in front of other people). I apologized to them for my emotional actions. But my feelings never fully healed. To this day, i still contemplate ending my life. Only, this time is different, i think about the people closest to me who might cry bitterly. I also think about the people who consider me a place where they can lean on freely to be themselves. Moreover, my little brother, i love him and don't want the life to destroy him like the life destroyed me. With all my might, i wanna protect them all. I just kept pretending to be cheerful so that no one would worry. 
But, still, i'm tired.
random aurora