i don't know what to do anymore, i'm sick of my life, of the fake friends, of my family, of the autophobia, i'm sick of everything, my dream since i was a kid was ''making people happy'', when i was 5 years old my parents were arguing every day, they todl me that someday they were going to dissapear and desert me, i hated that, i couldn't take it anymore, i was alone, years later my dad told me that i wasn't going to see him again, my 'friends' cared abt me, 2 days later, they ghosted me again, why? why are they like that? why i am alone? why i am like this? why do i have to suffer? why can't i dissapear too? i always was scared of being alone, i have headache, nightmares and even hallutinations, when i make friends, i help them, i give them EVERYTHING, some time later they are great, they don't need me anymore, i'm useless now, so they are ready to continue their lives, they would go away to make new friends, real friends, a real life, why? why do they have to leave? they could've been happy forever, we could've been together, forever, they only had to stay and be happy, i could say ''everything is going to be okay'' ''i'm sure everyone care abt u and u are a wonderful person'' COME ON, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEM, I KNOW IT'S A LIE, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT TO THINK THAT I'M A GOOD PERSON AND FEEL ''BETTER'', but i'll never be able to do that, i miss them, i keep waiting, fo years and years, until this loop ends and i finally get a real friend, meanwhile, i'll just keep killing myself, some time ago i had a group of friends, mary, me and muwi, one day mary said that she loved me, some time later she became my partner, i loved her, she loved me, everything was fine, right? well, she changed, i helped her, she was fixed and ready to go, she changed, a lot, i just rememeber sitting next to her with a smile, she started to say innapropiate comments abt me on a group, she insulted me and told me to kill myself, then she said that she had angry issues
#i want to k1ll myself alredy
jade fossil
jade fossil
she didn't need me anymore, on that group (my sister and her best friend were too on the group) they told me so much times that mary was toxic, i knew it, i knew that she hated me, a lot, but why? why would she hate me? i gave them everything, my sister met her best friend, thanks to me, she's happy thanks to me, muwi isn't bullied anymore thanks to me, mary is okay thanks to me, all my friends are ''fixed'' thanks to me, and what i got? mary hated me, i'm alone, i have DPDR, i can't even tell if my life is real, i usually see black figures in games and irl, but usually in games, and when i'm alone, it gives me headache and i feel like i'm dreaming, my dreams felt too real, i want to sleep, i want to sleep and never wake up, i want to stay in my dream where everything is perfect, dreams where my parents really love me, where i never betrayed once, where i could be ''fixed'' too, but, it wasn't real, i promised to once that i would never leave, that i would keep helping my friends, forever, and live in that hell where i would never be able to be happy, forever, it's not real, but i just keep waiting to apologize to once, for everything, and making friends happy can make me happy too, i would just like to hug them and say ''it was a wonderful experience to see u grow, make mistakes and never give up, now you're ready to be happy, just like i wanted to be, you will have the life and opportunities that i wanted to have, i'm proud of you, friend'', but, they don't listen, and i never was able to say that to myself, i never was ready, and that just feels horrible, my friends were like my family, but now they are gone, even if i try to talk to them, they would just ignore me
dense peak
Tbh,I feel u on the "I want to sleep forever part"
jade fossil
mary hated me, some time later she apologized and she became my friend again, why does she just act like nothing happened? just like she didn't tried to ruin my life, i miss my old friends, i feel so sad seeing those old photos of me and my friends just enjoying our lifes, but they don't need me anymore, i'm not useful to them anymore, why would they leave me? they knew that i have autophobia, and they thought that they right decision was leaving me alone? forever? why? they would act like just those 9 years of friendship were anything, and i was just a temporal friend? they could've stay more time, they could've be happy, but they just left, i have tried many times to hurt myself, and i did, i wouldn't be able to kill myself tbh, but i need to, i need to leave alredy, i've been years just seeing all of my friends leave, and it felt horrible, when i was a kid my dad did always hit me, he keeps insulting me every day, i don't even know how i didn't su1cide yet, i guess that it's because of helping others could make me feel better