I'm having doubts and can't stop crying..

[north pawn]

For the past weeks/months (My interpretation of time is really bad due to mental health. Thats not important right now) I was almost to completely sure abt my identity after a while. Like for almost to more then a year I knew what it would be if it was true. But wasnt sure if it was. Now After a while of being sure I started masking my pain less wich caused me to experience continuous dysphoria. (I've only had dysphoria twice before since I masked so thight) But now for a few days I've also started to really doubt it. I know its somewhere true. But I am just so afraid that it is a mask or something like that.

Is there anyway/anyone what can help..

I'm sorry if this is really confusing.. I'm not the best at communicating.

[sacred inlet]

what you’re going through seems pretty rough. if you are comfortable, can you tell me a little about your dysphoria, and how that connects to being sure about your identity?

[north pawn]

I can't really explain.. Its been going on for 3 weeks again so for me its normalized.. (I'm pretty quick in that stuff) And I forget most bad things almost instantly in the hopes of it not hurting.. But I know my friend told me it was dysphoria when I described it to them a year ago.

But like.. I used to block almost all dysphoria.. So I convinced myself without it.. But for some reason past days I just felt like I lied to myself or something..

[sacred inlet]

how did you block your dysphoria?

[sacred inlet]

and why did you feel like you lied to yourself?

[north pawn]

I most likely have been masking my emotions complexely ever since I was a kid.. Wich later also began to include negative feelings like pain, illness or like now.. Dysphoria..

[north pawn]

Idk its just.. A few days ago I was really really sure.. And now I feel like I should've never thought abt it bc it wouldnt be me and there'd be no way bc it would never be able to fit in my life.. So then why would it be.. Plus if I behave like a different gender, then mask less and get dysphoria.. It makes me doubt wich side its from..

[sacred inlet]

sure of what?

[north pawn]

That it was true.. I've been trying to force myself to believe its true with hard evidence bc I knew inside but just wouldnt believe it.. So since then I knew it was true. And I was just starting to accept it a few weeks after and now this..

[sacred inlet]

that what was true?

[north pawn]

Gender

[sacred inlet]

what about your gender?